Guidelines for living with Robots! part 2
by Tatyana Witwicky
Summary: Apparently, Prowl is getting picker and pickier! How many more rules could there be? Read to find out!
1. Chapter 1

Hello everyone!  
Be happy, my mind is chock full of new ideas for...

(drum roll)

The Guidelines for living with Giant Robots Part 2!

Hope you all are ready for more craziness!  
I own nothing but Tai, Sparrow, and Psyche!

Enjoy!

xxx

The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots Part 2

Chapter 1

by Tatyana Witwicky

xxx

Tatyana Topaz Witwicky/Prime sighed loudly as she once again found herself in front of the same computer screen, writing out a whole new set of rules for Prowl.

'Tight aft old fragton.' She muttered, making sure he wasn't in audio receptor shot.

'Alrighty, here we go.' She cracked her knuckles and started typing.

x

Rule #1: Never paint 'Pimp Mobile' on Prowl's side paneling while he is recharging in his vehicle mode.

(Oh my god!)

(Sharskey and Fassbinder ROCK!)

(My sides were killing me from laughing so hard.)

x

Rule #2: Never Auction off the Chevy twins on Ebay or Craigslist.

(Let's face it, no one would want them.)

(Those who do...)

(May God have mercy on your soul.)

(Because Primus will be too busy laughing at you.)

x

Rule #3: When the emergency alarm goes off, never do or say the following:

*'Nobody panic! Nobody panic! Just follow these simple instructions...crap, where'd I put them?'  
*'I never said they would never find us, I recall saying that it would take longer..'  
*'Who's in charge here?' Then answer by pointing to the opposite person and/or bot. (Will and Dad.)(That really made me laugh.)  
*'Anyone know how to turn this thing off?'  
*Once again, finding a virgin to sacrifice. (The 'Cons are not interested in virgins.)(Not that I know of.)  
*'Why didn't they DOOOOOOODDDGGGGEEEE?'

(We get up to all kinds of antics.)

(Prowl and Ratchet are amazed we all haven't been killed yet.)

(I'm sort of amazed myself...)

x

Rule #4: Never question Simmon's anger issues.

(It is very random and will pop up out of nowhere.)

(He is a New Yorker.)

(And he has been known to give himself turrets.)

(I'm not even joking.)

(He was just talking to my Dad and Ultra Magnus when suddenly he twitched and yelled out obscenities.)

(*twitch* 'FUCK!')

(Magnus was slightly alarmed.)

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Rule #5: Never sign up any Autobot for 'Pimp my ride.'

(Xzibit was nearly plowed down by Ironhide.)

(Poor dude.)

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Rule #6: Never strap leaf blowers to your back while wearing roller blades.

(Sure you get around the base much faster.)

(But according to Prowl, it's unsafe.)

(But man, it was so much fun!)

(The look on Dad's face when Sam and Leo went zooming by.)

(So priceless.)

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Rule #6: Never decide to make the bots a 'giant slip'n'slide.'

(No good could come of that.)

(Sunny literally flew off the thing and into the ocean.)

(Creating a small tidal wave.)

(All humans present were laughing to the point of hysteria.)

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Rule #7: If you are male, and being comforted by a another male friend or mech, never say...'Thank you, dude...I wish you had a vagina...'

(Jolt disturbed everybody when he said, 'I know buddy, so do I.')

(o.O)

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Rule #8: If someone on base coughs very loudly, never say the following:

*'How the tuberculosis? Is it better?' (Bad idea all around.)  
*'Did you cough up a bar stool?'  
*'Ya know, you really need to switch brands..'  
*'If you're gonna choke to death, could you do it more quietly?'  
*'Hey, I found your lung!'  
*'Dude, did one of your balls drop?'

(Ratchet takes medical jokes way to seriously.)

(But I laughed when Sam had to be taken in to be 'examed.')

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Rule #9: Never say the following, just because you can:

*'Your hoagie is molesting my boob. Please move it.' (LEo ran out of the room in a panic.)  
*'Whoa! I like the way you said that. BOOM!'  
*'He's so boring! He doesn't get made when I poke him!'  
*'I bet there's a gnome living up there. He waits in the confinements of her hair during the day until she starts poking it with pizza crust and feeds him!" (Sam making fun of my messy hairdo.)  
*'NOTHING! I JUST FELT LIKE HOLDING MY EYE AND SCREAMING!'  
*'It jiggles!'  
*'There are voices in my head...and they keep telling me to buy stuff.' (Haha Fantasy!)(She threw a blunt object at me when Ratchet scanned her.)  
*'I'm a vegetarian...except for steak! I love steak!' (Prowl nearly crashed when he tried to figure that out.)  
*'I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!' (Making fun of Sam's 'messenger bag' is bad.)

(Once again, newly arrived bots will question the human races sanity.)

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Rule #10: Never try to teach Bots about sea life from videos on youtube.

(Especially about Narwhals.)

(Bender and Sharskey showed them this little cartoon on youtube.)

(Goddammit, it's still stuck in my head!)

(By the way, narwhals aren't the Jedi of the sea!)

(Althought, that would be flipping badass!)

xxx

Be happy everyone!  
Sequel, sequel! XD

Any ideas, you know the drill!  
The quotes in rule #9 are from two users who are good friends of mine!  
-alask-young-, and Fantasyaddict101!

You guys rock!

Review!


	2. Chapter 2

More rules!  
You all knew I was going to do a sequel!

My brain just needed rest that's all!

Thank you to everyone who sent me suggestions!

Onward!

xx

The Guideline for living with giant alien robots!

Part 2!

by Tatyana Witwicky

xx

Rule #11: When Wheeljack has a new experiment and Dad says not to go near it, it's best to listen.

(I ended up doing the usual over hyper daughter thing, again.)

('Hey Dad, can I push the button?')

('Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I?' Saying this while walking closer and closer to said button with my finger pointing at it.)

(I think Dad has a permanent twitch in his optic.)

xx

Rule #12: Telling jokes while very drunk is not a good idea.

(Sam, Leo, and I got really plastered then started trying to out joke one another.)

('What's red and smells like blue paint?')

(Prowl who happened to be walking by, heard us and stopped to listen in.)

(When Sam said he didn't know, I said, 'Red paint.')

(Trust me, when you're drunk, the tiniest thing can set you off.)

(Leo's however, was the best and/or worst one.)

(It nearly sent me into hysterics at how awesomely bad it was.)

('What do you call a fish with no eyes?')

(We were so drunk, we didn't hear Prowl's head pop and sizzle as he tried to figure it out.)

(After a few minutes, I gave up and said I don't know...)

('FSSSSHHH.')

(Prowl was still offline until the next morning.)

xx

Rule #13: No encouraging the little ones (Anabelle, Sparrow, etc.) to start calling Barricade 'Uncle Oreo', just because he's black and white.

(He did not find it funny.)

(Oh man, though I did.)

(He threw an oil drum at Jolt's head when he called him that.)

xx

Rule #14: 'The Weasel stomping song' is banned from base.

(Prowl would love to ban Weird Al entirely.)

(Shockingly, Dad said not too.)

(When asked why, Dad started singing.)

('My, my this here Anakin guy, may be Vader someday later but now he's just a small fry..')

(Sam and I hugged each of his ankles.)

xx

Rule #15: Don't spike Simmon's coffee with ANYTHING! He is enough of a spaz as it is...

(Sam put a shot of Rum in.)(Bad idea!)(Turns out ol' Seymour is a mean drunk.)

(I put in a five hour energy shot.)(Poor Glen still has stitches.)

(Miles put some blue food coloring in it.)(All the Autobots made O.o faces when they saw his blue tongue.)

(Leo thought Catnip would be funny, but all it did was make him fall asleep at his desk..)

xx

Rule #16: Never take shopping carts from various stores.

(So far, NEST has ones from Target, Sport's Authority, Safeway, Albertsons, and Haggins.)

(They always know when it's me who takes them.)

('Wheeeeee!' *crash* 'Ow...')

(Dad made me take them back.)

(*pouts*)

xxx

Rule #17: Never quote Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs!

(I love Anna Farris!)

*'It's okay! It's just pain!'  
*'You know what you are, Sunstreaker? A shenaneganizer!' (I simply stared with adoration for my old man.)  
*'My chest hairs are tingling! Something's wrong!' (Mikaela nearly caused Prowl to glitch out...again)  
*'I shouldn't be running with these!'  
*'Alright. This probably...won't explode.' (It did.)(Dad was completely covered in soot.)  
*'My forecast? Sunny side up.' (Sunny just so happened to trip over something right after I said that.)

(That movie is fun to watch when Ratchet is nearby.)

xx

Rule #18: The game, 'Goose!' is now banned.

(That is when you sneak up behind someone with a cold, wet rag and grab their ass and yell 'GOOSE!'.)

(Leo did to Sam, who in turn did it to Lennox.)

(We always seem to get him when he talking to Dad or Ironhide.)

(The water mark on the back of his pants looked really bad...)

(His squeal was damn funny.)

xxx

Rule #19: Never flick Sam's nipples.

(I have this gift of making only one of his nipples hard.)

(You have to flick it just right.)

(I know that sounds dirty and weird but it is the funniest thing ever.)

('You can't just make one hard!')

(I responded with, 'Yes, I can.')

(Then I just walked away.)

(Fantasy started laughing, 'Wow! You can juice oranges with that thing!')

xx

Rule #20: Never try to stretch a rubber glove over your friends head.

(Mikeala is so patient.)

(It was about half way stretched down her head when it snapped.)

(And flicked her right in the nose.)

('OWW!')

(Sam nearly pissed himself laughing.)

(As did I.)

xx

The last three ones were based off my friend Casey and I's shenanigans! Bahahahah  
Oh the fun we have!

Review with more ideas folks!


	3. Chapter 3

More rules!

Thank you all for sending me reviews and ideas!  
Onward!

xxxxxx

The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots! Part 2

by Tatyana Witwicky

xxxxxx

Rule #21: The term 'Jazz hands' is to never be used again.

(Poor Jazz.)

(The Lambo twins decided to get creative one night and snuck into Jazz and I's quarters while we were both sleeping.)

(Jazz woke up to his hands missing.)

(When we told my Dad about the little problem, Sunny and Sides walked in looking gleeful.)

(Which is frightening.)

(When Dad asked what they were doing, they both responded.)

('JAZZ HANDS!')

(While holding up Jazz's detached hands.)

(I face palmed.)

(As did Dad.)

(Jazz tried.)

xx

Rule #22: Never ask what accent Ironhide has.

(His usual response is, 'I don't have a bloody accent!')

(My response was, 'Then what was that?')

(He didn't reply.)

xxxx

Rule #23: Again, no spiking Simmon's coffee.

(Even though it's funny.)

(Maggie put in crushed Viagra in.)(Thank god for books and lunch trays.)

(Glen had the best one.)(He snuck into his office, very quietly and poured a shot of laxatives in.)(Once again, the whole morning coffee ritual has Ratchet confused.)('What do they mean by 'fire in the hole?')('Nothing!')

(Simmon's has now started drinking tea.)

xxxx

Rule #24: Never start quoting Pixar films.

(Sure, you can still watch them on base but it's best not to quote them randomly.)

*'Hey, let's play a game. It's called "see who can be quiet the longest." (That everyone's favorite game when it comes to Mudflap and Skids.)  
*'I like you temporarily!'  
*'You in the suit! Yes, you! Take a bath, hippie!' (I shouted that to Galloway.)  
*'You poured prune juice in his gas tank.' (Poor Prowl.)  
*'"CA - CA! RAWRRR!"  
*'The '60s weren't good to you, were they?'  
*'You keep talkin' to yourself, people will think you're crazy.' (That one was so much fun.)(Prowl walked by and asked, 'What?')(My response was, 'What? I wasn't talking to you.')(He glitched out again when he saw I was alone in the room.)  
*'What? Did I forget to wipe my mud flaps?'  
*'Crazy grandpa car.' (NEVER say that to Ironhide.)  
*'This is a perfect time to panic!' (Miles first Decepticon attack.)(Sideswipe told him to shut up.)  
*'Aaaaah! This is the part where we blow up!' (Shockingly, I was very excited when I yelled that.)(Dad ran in, scooped me up, and ran out of the room.)  
*'I seriously doubt he's getting this kind of mileage.'

(Dad adores Pixar movies.)

xxx

Rule #25: Don't play the 'dizzy game.'

(You know, where you hold a baseball bat, bend over and spin around it numerous times.)

(Sam and I did.)

(It's really hard running when the room is spinning.)

(I bashed right into Ironhide's shin.)

(Ow...)

xxx

Rule #26: Don't coach the younglings to say random embarrassing things. Even if epic hilarity DOES ensue.

("You have a booger on your face!" Sparrow kept insisting this, even though Sunstreaker jeered at her.)  
(But he wasn't so sure when his twin brother started grimacing and sidling away from him.)  
(Amusingly, even Prowl got into the act: he spit on a washrag and tried to scrub Sunny's face.)

("Do you pee sitting down or standing up?" This was Annabelle's question of the day last week.)  
(Bumbles was no fun at all. "Standing up, of course. I'm a boy!")  
(Mirage was more of a good sport. "Why, sitting down, Dear. The other way isn't very ladylike.")  
(Hound face palm.)  
(I thought Mirage was a dude...O.o)

("You pooted! I heard you!" They ganged up on Galloway with this one.)  
(Everyone calls him "Uncle Stinky" behind his back now. Some of the braver ones, to his face.)

("Dropped your pocket!")  
(Annabelle got Leo, Miles, Wheeljack, AND Ironhide with this one.)( You've never seen so many people swinging around in circles staring at the ground, since the teens had their last 'Let's make ourselves dizzy' game.)

xxx

Rule #27: Human females are no longer allowed to lap dance on the hood of Autobots when in their alt-mode.

(Jazz got mad at me...then happy when I did it for him.)

(Sam was angry at Mikeala for doing one on Bee. Apparently Bee had made a hologram of Sam inside the car.)

(Chromia, Moonracer, Arcee, and every other femme in NEST is mad at Fantasy...the mechs are yet to give their side of the argument.)

xxx

Rule #28: Don't make fun of Bluestreak rather large and protruding chest.

(He's kind of sensitive about it.)

(When he first arrived, I said loudly, 'Hey, whose the new chick?')

(That was awkwardly hilarious.)

(But you know what I have to say..)

('Weak Titty!')

xxxx

Rule #29: Never start Quoting the Big Bang Theory.

(One of my favorite shows!)

*'You have about as much chance of going out with Arcee as the Hubble Telescope has of finding that at the center of each black hole there's a little man with a flashlight trying to find the circuit breaker.'  
*'If it's "creepy" to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so I can drop in on them unexpected, then FINE, I'm "creepy".(God, Leo!)  
*'I'm not insane! My mother had me tested!'  
*'I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns to its original trajectory and adheres to you.' (That floored the Chevy twins for a good two days.)(It was very quiet.)  
*'If by "Holy Smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you could find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.'  
*'I don't know your odds in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable mac daddy.'  
*'It must be so humbling to suck in so many different levels.'  
*'Hello Oompa Loompas of science!' (I enjoy saying that to Wheeljack and Ratchet.)  
*'How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same? No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, "Hey, get your thing out of my nose".'  
*'They were not "friends". They were imaginary colleagues.'  
*'I don't care what the bosoms say. I just want to be part of the conversation.' (Miles)  
*'I thought it was pretty a good one. I gave him an "LOL."  
*'On the other hand, I think Miles will evolve into the larval form of his species. He'll wrap himself up in a cocoon and, two months later, will emerge with moth wings and an exoskelton.' (Prowl made a weird face and walked away after saying the following, 'Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.')  
*'But everyone loves LOLcats. They're cute, and they can't spell, because they're cats.'

(There are so many great sayings, I can't type them all in one.)

(Bumblebee started calling Sam, 'Leonard.')

(Unfortunately, 'Cade has taken to calling me, 'Sheldon.')

xxx

Rule #30: Never, ever watch the show, 'Wipe out!' with any of the bots.

(Leo and Miles had Wheeljack build a huge obstacle course on base.)

(But they didn't make it past the 'Butt kicker.')

(Leo dusted himself off, turned to everyone in the room, and said, 'I'm gonna walk away while I still have my manly dignity...')

(I couldn't resist saying, 'Oh, here's your male ego...don't forget it!')

xxx

Rule #31: Never mention the time where Sunny first met Blue.

(The big chest threw him off.)

(I nearly fell on the floor when Sides told me that.)

(Bwahahahahahahahahaha!)

xxx

Whoo! Done!  
Thank you to everyone for all the rule ideas!

Thank you!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4!

I can't believe how many rules there can be!  
Thank you everyone!

Onward!

xxxx

The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots! Part 2

by Tatyana Witwicky

xxx

Rule #32: The 'Ferrets Song' is banned from base.

(It starts out sounding all cheery and happy.)

(Then it gets a little...odd.)

(Dad face when he heard me singing the last part.)

(Oh lord.)

('I love the feel of grain, the screams of a man in pain...')

(Maybe it was the look on my face that startled him.)

xxx

Rule #33: When a someone on base has a sunburn, don't decide to announce it to all the bots by slapping the victim on the back.

(I'm notorious for doing that.)

(Sam and Leo got it really bad and wore long sleeved shirts, trying to hide their atrociously red skin.)

(When Dad asked why they were wearing those shirts in this weather, I simply said and did the following.)

('This is why...' then I slapped both of them hard on the back.)

(Their screams echoed around the base.)

xxx

Rule #34: Never start singing songs from commercials.

(Although, some of them are quite awesome.)

(Especially the Dockers pants one...)

(But seriously, Sam...)

(Put your pants back on!)

xxx

Rule #35: Quotes from Gex are banned because apparently, they annoy Galloway and Prowl.

(Kill joys.)

*'A little tongue now, a lotta tail later..(Ratchet was giggling at that.)(Ew..gross..ew.)  
*'I taste dog doody!'  
*'Believe me, you smell like I feel!' (Simmons aced that joke by doing an arm pit check.)('What, moist and hairy?')(Nastily hilarious!)  
*'They're sweet! They're minty! They mumble!' (Dad seriously made me laugh that day!)(He knows how to cheer me up.)  
*'File this under 'Ouch.'  
*'I am the God of Hellfire!' (This is not the Fallen catch phrase..though it kinda fits...kinda..)  
*'Pee-u! I am a walking Dutch Oven!' (Miles)(Every bot within hearing range, quickly shut their intakes and walked away rather quickly.)  
*'Say Hello to the floor!' (That is said in battle way, way too much.)  
*'I'm flaming!...In the MANLY way...(I completely lost it when Epps yelled that.)(Again with the fire proof gel.)  
*'Lord Vader, I am MAD for your tailor!' (Ironhide was not amused.)(Chromia was.)  
*'My Inner child is coming out and it HURTS!' (Ultra Magnus got a few stares with that one.)(Kup made it better...or worse...by saying, 'Don't clench or you'll blow an O-ring.')(Oh those snarky old farts...ya gotta love'em!)

(I love those games!)

(The dialogue alone was so worth the money!)

xxx

Rule #36: Once again, never quote the Big Bang Theory.

(Still one of the best shows!)

(Fantasy and I watch it way too much.)

*'Photographic memory is a misnomer. The correct term is eidetic memory, as I've told you countless times, like in May 7th during lunch. You complained your turkey was dry.' (Sam couldn't believe I remembered that.)  
*'I have selective mutism, a recognized medical condition. You're just a douche!'  
*'Is the sex starting now?' (Me tormenting Sam.)  
*'To this day, I can't look at pickled herring without being a little aroused and ashamed.' (You really don't wanna know what Miles was talking about.)  
*'I do not have to urinate. I am master of my own bladder.' (A slight pause later.) 'Drat!'  
*'Yes, because nothing's cooler and more fearsome than a man with a shirt blasting music from between his nipples.' (No idea why Sam found it necessary for Wheeljack to make him a shirt that makes music.)  
*'Hello? I know you're out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide!'  
*'Oh, and one more thing, if you use my toothbrush, I will jump out that window."  
*'Oh and one more thing...it's on bitch.'  
*'I gotta run. If you come up with an adjective, go ahead and text me.'  
*'I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it's more like Doctor Why Bother.' (Don't throw sharp objects, Maple!)  
*'You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support.' (Leo does not like losing at Halo.)  
*'Lift up the camera! I'm looking at his crotch!' (Web cams are sometimes a real hassle.)

(Good God, I just realized how much we have in common with those guys...)

xxx

Rule #37: Never pull the 'Snakes in a canister' gag on any Autobots.

(Except I used a energon cube.)

(And rather large snakes.)

(Oh my god, classic!)

(Prowl was the first victim.)

(He had the best reaction.)

(I had no idea he could scream that loud.)

xxx

Rule #38: Never say the following just because it's funny.

(Lennox and Epps are quite hilarious.)

*'I may have schizophrenia but at least I still have each other!' (That one did not go over well with Red Alert.)  
*' If at first you don't succeed..destroy all evidence that you tried!' (Wheeljack first Motto.)  
*'If at first you DO succeed...try not to look so astonished!' (I painted that on his wall.)(He was not amused.)  
*'I used to have an open mind...but my brain kept falling out!' (I think Prowl died a little at that comment.)(Ratchet was very spazzy.)  
*'Follow your dreams...except the ones when you're at school in your underwear.'

(That last one was my little pep talk to Sam.)

(Shockingly, it made him feel better.)

xxx

Rule #39: No Belching contests!

(Even though they are fun!)

(It was a death match between me and Lennox.)

(I actually beat him.)

(Everyone was shocked.)

(And the Bots were slightly disgusted.)

xxx

Rule #40: No Autobot is allowed to take pictures of humans and edit to be like LOLcats.

(Sunny got one of me and Sam.)

(Ironically, eating cheeseburgers.)

(We both thought he just wanted a picture of us.)

(When we walked into the Recreational room the next day, there was a giant picture of us on the wall that said in bold letters...'I can haz cheezburger...?')

(We both facepalmed.)

xxx

Rule #41: And human, never do that to any Autobot.

(Brought back major memories of doing that to Ironhide.)

(I finally got Dad.)

('You eated my cookie?'..was his caption.)

(Hey, he looked funny! He was pouty!)

xxx

Rule #42: Do not mess with the younglings. EVER!

(Both Sparrow and Annabelle were in the front Rec. Room, watching My Neighbor Totoro.)

(Sunny and Sides decided to be completely stupid and they both started making very rude remarks about the characters.)

(Most unfortunately for them, they did not see what they were sitting on.)

(Or who.)

(Turns out it was Dad, laying sideways on the floor, no doubt hiding from Prowl.)

(I came home to find the Lambo twins still stuck to the wall.)

xxx

Whoo!  
Keep'em coming people!

Review!


	5. Chapter 5

Who here is still enjoying this?  
I know I am!

Thank you everyone for all of the awesome rule ideas!

Let me know if you all want a one shot!

Onward!

xxx

Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots.

By Tatyana Witwicky

xxx

Rule #43: Ball pits have been banned.

(Which is good and bad.)

(Sam stayed in that thing for five hours, sorting out all of the balls by color and size.)

(He does odd things after being dumped.)

(I eventually volunteered to go in and try to get him out.)

(It took me half an hour to catch him.)

(It didn't help that he kept popping up on the other side of me and saying, 'Bazinga!')

(All of the Bot's were laughing hysterically.)

(Grrr...)

xxx

Rule #44: Never say the following randomly, during meetings, or when you're near Prowl:

-Yo face! (it confuses them soooooo horribly.)

- Yo momma! (I love it when they respond "What about my mother!")

-Uh, does anyone have a giant tampon?' (That is just fun to say all around.)

-Wait...the snakes were supposed to be fake?(Dad took off running.)

-Which way to the happy house?

-Fuck you! *hold one middle finger up* Up the ass! *other middle finger* Twice! *criss-cross* (Jazz really thought that was funny.)

-OMG YOU WOULD NEVER BELIEVE WHAT JUST-kitten! *run towards imaginary kitten* (Of course, I did that when Kup and Ultra Magnus were in the room.)

-*whisper with tiny grin* .-ja-jay!.Peni!

-Hmmm, I wonder if I'm going to have sex tonight.

(Sam yelled: Fuck you!)

(I screamed: LATER!) (Barricade and Bee face palmed.)

xxx

Rule #45: No randomly saying any of the morals from the Animaniacs 'Wheel of Morality.'

*'If at first, you don't succeed, blame it on your parents!' (Dad turned and exclaimed, 'What makes you think it will be my fault?')(Lennox's response was this...'Prime, you're a Dad, even when it's not...it will always be your fault one way or another..trust me, I know!')

*'The answer my friend is blowing in the wind, except for in New Jersey where what's blowing the wind smells funny.' (No one really knows how to respond to that one.)(Alot of NEST members agree with it though.)

*'Never ask what Hot Dogs are made of.' (Dammit Leo!)

*'Early to rise and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.'

*'You can teach an old dogs new tricks, but you can't teach Madonna to act.' (How true is that statement.)

(Oh the fun we have!)

xxx

Rule #46: Panty theft will not be tolerated!

(Dammit, Skids stop stealing them!)

xxx

Rule #47: Never greet any new comer with disturbing Nature videos.

(Especially the one of the small owl eating the large rodent.)

(O.o...Ugh...)

xxx

Rule #48: Never encourage Wheeljack to upgrade his 'oops' projects.

(This time around, he made another, more advanced 'Up' collar.)

(For some reason, he put it on the Lennox's cow, Gladys.)

(She sounded like Professor McGonagall..)

(Nothing is more annoying than getting your posture insulted by a freakin' COW!)

xxx

Rule #49: When someone catches you talking out loud to yourself and ask you about it, never respond with the following, 'I wasn't talking to myself.' *turns head* 'Hey, don't tell them about me!' *turns head back* 'Shut up!'

(That got a few stares...)

xxx

Rule #50: No letting off Fireworks.

(The reason this is banned is for very good reason.)

(Apparently, Miles accidently set one off inside of Bluestreak...)

(Nearly plowed right into a group of soldiers.)

(And then he ran over Dad's foot.)

(All I can say is...wow...)

xxx

Rule #51: Never do the game 'Infomercial' from whose line is it anyway.

(It started well.)

(Then it went wrong.)

(Oh so wrong.)

(Epps and Lennox decided to do the 'Stop drinking' one.)

(Holy crap, they were hilarious!)

(Then it got frightening when Epps pyulled out what he thought was half a fishing pole and was about to 'fish' the drink out of Lennox's throat.)

(I panicked and quickly exclaimed, 'No! Wait, wait! No!')

(when everyone gave me startled looks, I quickly explained that that thing makes flame..)

(Epps tested it out, then with a shrug, pointed it back at Lennox.)

(Lennox laughed and held his hands up in surrender.)

(After they were done, Lennox turned to Epps with a sly grin.)

('Someone wants my job...')

(Epps mischievous little grin was hilarious.)

xxx

Rule #52: 'I may be a little gay, but I'm not homosexual.'

(Miles...that was just...amazing..)

(Prowl glitched out for the 100th time.)

(Bring out the party favors!)

xxx

Rule #53: Never quote Sue Sylvester from Glee.

(That woman is epic!)

*'-If it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and buy you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat and on some dark cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.'

-'I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there and I find it disgusting!' (Dad made the mistake of asking me why I always give Leo so much crap.)(I think he regretted asking me.)

-'I'm all about empowerment. I empower my men to live in constant fear by creating an environment of irrational random terror.' (Jazz shuffled away.)

-'For me trophies are like herpes. You can try to get rid of them but they just keep coming. You know why? I have hourly flare ups of burning itchy highly contagious talent.'

-'If I was out to get you I'd have you pickling in a mason jar on my shelf by now.' (Red Alert runs away every time I enter the room.)

-'Your resentment is delicious.'

-'Add revenge to the long list of things you're no good at.' (I enjoy giving Sam a hard time.)

-'Lady Justice wept today.'

-Prepare to be crushed.' (Chromia.)

-All I want is one day a year when I'm not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties.

-So much sneaky gay deception!

-'I'm seriously going to puke in your mouth.' (Jazz's look of disgust was hilarious.)

xxx

More rules!  
My neighbor read this and he almost passed out from laughter!

Amazing!

Review!


	6. Chapter 6

Here we are at Chapter 6!

Wow! So many reviews already! I'm amazed!

By the way, please check out the latest Fanart down by one of my best friends at work!  
Tai looks amazing in that drawing!

Well, let's keep going shall we!

xxx

The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots.

By Tatyana Witwicky

xxx

Rule #54: I am no longer allowed to wear fake eyelashes.

(I accidently ended up gluing my eye and optic shut.)

(After feeling around for something or someone to grab onto too, I felt something squishy and squeezed, thinking it was the couch.)

(After hearing a loud squeal, I realized that wasn't the couch.)

(It was Fantasy's boob.)

(Sarah laid me down on the human couch with a warm cloth over my eyes.)

(Fantasy still calls me a Lesbo.)

(-_-')

xxx

Rule #55: Sam, never tell them about all the stupid things I did as a child.

(Especially about the time I hydroplaned across a parking lot.)

(With my body.)

(I still don't know how it happened.)

(I don't think I ever will.)

xxx

Rule #56: Never mention the time my Dad got incredibly drunk.

(He disappeared for twelve hours, while he was out to get some air.)

(When he didn't come back, Lennox sent Ironhide and Wheeljack to go find him.)

(Ironhide texted me and ordered me to come to their location ASAP.)

(When I got there, what I saw completely floored me.)

(He was in a ditch, upside down, in his truck form.)

(His words when he woke up were so damn funny.)

('Where's my trailor? I had High Grade in there!')

(I face palmed and laughed so damn hard.)

(People and Bots alike still make fun of him for that.)

xxx

Rule #57: The energy drink 'Wired' is banned...completely and totally.

(Especially the Wired X.)

(That drink has over 366mila grams of caffeine.)

(I was...WIDE...awake.)

(Not to mention, vibratey...)

(Oh, I feel bad for the Rec. Room.)

(It wasn't because of that it was banned...)

(It was due to the fact that Leo said after taking a sip..'Ohh...it tastes like battery acid...!')

xxx

Rule #58: Quotes from Jimmy Neutron, be it the show or the movie, are not good to say randomly.

*'I must've made a tiny miscalculation.' (If by tiny, you meant a huge explosion which sent you flying a hundred yards out of your lab and land upside down against the wall, then yeah...just a tiny miscalculation..)(Wheeljack needs a new hobby that doesn't involve electricity and gasoline.)

*'You heard the man, stop sucking your thumbs and let's light this candle!' (I love saying that after Dad's gives an order...or says about anything for that matter.)

*'Some of the greatest inventors of all time started out as complete failures too.' (Wow, Leo..)(That was the worst pep talk I've ever heard.)(Wheeljack was not happy.)

*'Y'know, Milwaukee has very clean restrooms.' (Miles said that randomly.)(Prowl was just staring.)(Maggie and I just about pissed ourselves laughing so hard.)

*'If we get blown up, whatever's left of me is kicking your butt.' (Yet another Wheeljack experiment gone awry..)

(We should just call the show, 'Wheeljack, Bot Genius...')

xxx

Rule#59: Never chain up crash test dummies to the wall and tear their limbs off, splatter them with fake blood and invite the mechs in to 'admire your art.'

(Very amusing, Miles.)

(Red is still out cold and Ratchet is still mourning he 'couldn't put them back to together.')

xxx

Rule #60: Never make fun of Ratchet's new paint job.

(Yes, I know he looks like a giant, freakin' Mint...but still...)

(Don't start calling him 'Dr Minty.')

(Although, that name cracks me up to the point where I will fall over.)

xxx

Rule #61: Lay OFF the Chuck Norris jokes. Yes, we know he IS made of awesome..but we've heard them about fifty times already! Will! Epps! Sam!

(And no replacing the Chuck Norris part with my Dad's name.)

(Although it's highly hilarious.)

(My favorite one was this one.)

(Completely made up by a female member of NEST.)

('Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.')

(Everyone started losing it...including various Autobots.)

(Dad was very disturbed.)

xxx

Rule #62: Never sing at random times..'Ooohhhhhhh, I wanna sex you up..'

(That is very bad idea...)

(Especially when your sparkmate is a horny little solstice.)

xxx

Rule #63: No Cybertronian is allowed to have a Facebook, a Twitter account, or a Myspace account.

(We are trying to keep you all a secret.)

(And having those accounts and posting the names..'Sunnilicious and Sidetrisous'...is not really helping with the previous statement.)

xxx

Rule #64: Never quote The Fairly Odd Parents.

(Amazing show!)

(Poof is so fraggin' cute!)

*''Cause we're the idiots!' (Well, at least they admit it..)(Mudflap and Skids have gained a bit of my respect.)

*'I think I'm calling the cops.' (Miles said that when I made the mistake of asking what he was thinking.)(It got Barricade and Prowl to laugh.)(Which was very impressive, I must say.)

*''I gotta get this thing fixed.' (Oh man, Wheeljack.)

*'ZAPPY FIGHT!' (I said that randomly during a meeting and started running around in circles.)(Everyone just stared.)

*'Where ever did you get that?' 'Uhh..internet.' (Wheeljack and Ratchet.)(After 'Jack purchased a rather large and expensive piece of lab equipment.)(Unfortunately, with Lennox's credit card.)

(Poor guy is still trying to pay that off.)

xxx

Rule #65: Never play 'Bull and Matador' near walls or breakable objects.

(Believe it or not, a lot of the Autobots have very breakable objects.)

(Sorry, Dad.)

xxx

Rule #66: DON'T make size comparisons between Ironhide's cannons and (cough) other areas of his anatomy.

(He will spend the rest of the day either sulking or gloating.)

(Either way, he will be very unbearable to live with.)

xxx

Rule #67: The Song 'Technologic' is banned entirely.

(Oh...god...my processor BURNSS!)

(Damn you, Jazz!)

('But it, use it, break it, fix it...NO!)

xxx

Hopefully that is good for you all!

Enjoy and Review!

Toodles!


	7. Chapter 7

More rules!  
Woot!

Big news everyone!

I'm moving in with my boyfriend of almost three years! So if I don't update for a while, you know why!

But I will try to get this chapter done in time!

Firefly belong to xxIronhideforeverXX!

This whole chapter is one large rule of what not to quote!

I hope that's okay!

Onward!

xxx

The Guidelines for living with Giant Robots! Part 2!

By Tatyana Witwicky

xxx

Rule #68: Again, quotes from Red vs. Blue are discouraged.

(But lets' face it, we haven't followed any of the 'Do not quote' rules as of yet.)

*'There's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.' (Ironhide did not find that line amusing.)

*'Relax, I'm not going to give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck, and shoot it in the head. Because that's how I roll.' (That was Ironhide.)

*'From now on if anyone's gonna make my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's gonna be me!' (Sam said that without realizing that Mikeala was in the room.)(When he asked what I was staring at, I simply pointed behind him.)(Mikeala did not look amused.)

*'He is not pregnant!' (Again with the 'Food baby' jokes.)

*'I will fucking stab you, computer phone lady!

*'You're round and you can't wear pants.' (I enjoy saying any sentence with pants in them.)

*'Goodbye Major Cinnamon Bun, I will always remember your buttery goodness.' (Lennox glared at Sam.)

*'Sometimes I dream about my parents having sex and I get really, really mad for some reason.' (Oh my god, Miles!)(That is so wrong.)(It even made the Chevy twins say...'Dude..')

*'Your toast has been burned and no amount of scraping will remove the black stuff!' (I wanted toast, dammit!)(I was too lazy to make more.)

*'SHEILA! COME BACK TO ME! I MADE YOU A MUFFIN!' (I just love saying that randomly.)(My Dad asked me who this Sheila was.)

*'I don't want to live in a world without big explosions!' (Firefly really cracked me up.)(She is her father's daughter.)

*'Also someone might have been surprised by that and peed his pants... Just a little bit... Or a lot.' (Leo...just admit it...Ratchet scared the piss out of you.)

*'That was you...I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me...'

*'OH crap, OH crap, OH crap, running, running, running!' (Dad was astounded at how fast humans can run when under the threat of being blown up.)

*'Look at what I took credit for finding.' (Sunny.)(Sides looked very unhappy.)

*'Well at least I don't go around knocking on peoples non-doors and promising them cookies AND THEN NOT GIVING THEM COOKIES! I'M! LEAVING!' (Oh pregnancy, thou art a heartless bitch.)

*'Hey, The box is there for a reason. I feel safe in there.' (Sam and I were hiding from Prowl.) (Bumblebee found that funny.)

*'If you had backed up any further you would have had to mail him the bullets!'

*'What's to understand about 'swish swish stab'? It's a fuckin' sword, dude. It's not a fighter jet.' (Sideswipe is such a klutz with his swords.)

*'Well that's just a matter of penis - I-I mean opinion! Opinion...' (Oh...I felt so stupid...)

*'That sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican sasquatch.'

*'Hey Sunny! How you like them apples? And by apples, I mean bullets! In your face! How you like them pears? Guess what I mean by pears?' (Sides is a very sore winner.)

*'PROTECT ME CONE!'

*'Hey doc, nobody likes you.' (That's not true Ratchet!)(I adore you and your wrench throwing ways!)

*'I think yelling should be reserved for only the most critical of situations...Like when someone drinks milk from out of the carton!' (Simmons really hates it when Sam, Leo, or myself do that.)

*'You're about to get Simmonsized!' (That is his new slogan.)

*'Simmons! I need your ovaries!' (Dad gave me an odd look.)

(Simmons put his hand on my shoulder and siad the following, 'Darling Tai...one..I am a man...and two, if I did...like I'd give them to you...')

(Major sweat drop moment.)

*'I swear, somebody keeps fucking with the sights on this thing when I'm not looking.' (Stop messing with Ironhide's gun.)(He's starting to get really cranky.)(And he's starting to blame me.)

*'And you will fear my laser face!'

*'Blue vs. Red battles. No one says Red vs. Blue. It sounds stupid when you say it backwards.' (That was Sunny.)

*'I WILL EAT YOUR UNHAPPINESS!' (Miles screamed that at Prowl, who was looking less then pleased.)(That startled him just a bit.)

*'Not my fault, Sam did it.' (That's my answer for anything that goes wrong.)(It really doesn't work if Sam isn't even in the same room.)(Or the same state for that matter.)

*'Oh, him. Yeah, um... he let me out and then somehow shot himself in the back somehow. Uh... but we don't think it was anyone's fault, everybody agrees it was an accident.' (I'm terrible at making excuses as to why there was a dead Decepticon at NEST and I just happened to be the only person there at the time.)

*'What're you gonna do, shoot ghost bullets? "Hey I'm Casper the friendly bullet".'

*'What's wrong Ironhide, having trouble keeping it up? Don't worry, happens to everybody. Well, not me but...' (Oh my god, I couldn't believe my Dad said that!)(That was the best thing ever!)

*'It's not pink, its light-ish red!' (Yeah, sure Glen..)

*'Bad? Oh no, that's not bad! Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole god damn base?'

*'Ow! There goes my last kidney! I was saving that for a special occasion.'

*'Of course he was facing forward, what other way do people face?' (Miles...-_-')

*'I'm sure it was to say something inspiring or... something, but now I just don't care.' (All I was trying to do was give Sides words of encouragement..why does Sunny make it so damn hard?)

*'For the love of evil, someone get the phone!' (That one actually had a funny story to it.)(I was just imagining life at the Decepticon base, with Uncle Megs having to deal with his minions being all lazy and shit...)(I mean seriously, have you seen how fat most of them are?)(I said that in my best Megatron voice while making odd, angry looking faces.)

*'Why do we have a million doomsday devices and no answering machine?'

*'Ugh, Officer Hot-pants.' (I'm still having nightmares from that.)

*'Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either, but guess what?' (Wow, Fantasy...that was just truly epic!)(Sunny didn't really know how to respond to that.)

(My god, this rule was so big, it took up a whole freaking page of report paper!)

(Prowl was not that amused, but took the paper anyway!)

xxx

So many awesome quotes!

These all made me laugh so hard!

Sorry, it's only one, but it's large!

I will update asap!

Review!


	8. Chapter 8

Here we are at chapter 8 of the Guidelines!

Sorry for the long delay, moving and not having internet are not a good combination!

But my new place rocks!

Peaches belongs to MIscrazyaboutfanfics...thank you so much for letting me use her!

I love it!

Anyway!

Onward!

xxx

The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots! Part2!

By Tatyana Witwicky

xxx

Rule #69: Never name various electronics after Autobots.

(That causes major confusion.)

('Have you seen my Ratchet?')

('Aww man, someone dropped my Wheeljack.')

('Wheeljack' is Miles very cracked Ipod.)

(Which is so hilarious!)

(The actual Wheeljack did not find it that amusing.)

xx

Rule #70: Peaches, stay away from any Pepsi products.

(My god girl! You go nuts!)

(But I am honestly impressed that you managed to down 10 cans in under three minutes.)

(I am so envious!)

(And slightly horrified when you climb up a freaking building like a spider!)

xx

Rule #71: Never make fun of Bumblebee's new pet.

(My Dad really found it hard to say no to those big optics.)

(He chose a Betta fish...well, I did for him.)

(His name rocks!)

(Samyana...)

(Awww!)

xx

Rule #72: Miles is no longer allowed to add any pizzazz to any neck ties.

(One day, he wore a 'Viagra' tie to the base.)

(Which by itself is just hilarious.)

(It got even funnier when he put a wire coat hanger inside of it so when he adjusted it just right, it stood straight up.)

(He seemed very smug.)

(I simply face palmed.)

xx

Rule #73: To go along with the above rule, never show the bots the Viagra sponscered Nascar.

(I have a very odd sense of humor.)

(While watching it with the Lambo twins, I saw the Viagra car and yelled out, 'That cars performance is not satisfying!')

(it took them a few seconds to get it.)

xx

Rule #74: Never quote anything from the show 'The Good guys.'

(Though it is amazingly epic!)

*'This car is pretty good for it's model. It went from 0 to living room in a few seconds.' (I was just giving Barricade shit while showing him off to some of the new recruits.)(It got really hilarious when he bumped into the back of me and it knocked me over.)

*'Wanna sniff the backseat, check to see if there's any fluids." (Ew...gross, Lennox.)(Ironhide looked incredibly grossed out.)

*'"If I could make myself less attractive to hot, young women, don't you think I'd do it?" (Oh Simmons.)(It still amazes me as to why you are still single...)(-_-')

*'One day you're a cop the next day you're a guy who failed a urine test." (Barricade enjoys tormenting Prowl.)(Prowl doesn't enjoy the torment.)

*'Dammit! This shirt was supposed to last me another six weeks." ( Bumblebee and Blustreak shuffled away from both Sam and Miles.)(I just laughed.)

*'We're on the five-yard line. I can feel it tingling in my loins." (Ah Sam.)

*'Look at his face, it's got "yeah, sure, I'll be the wife" written all over it.' (Sideswipe wasn't aware that Sunny was right behind him.)(He's still unconsious.)

*'Women are like kittens. They just wanna be taken care of. (Sunny, shut up.)

*'After she took your manhood, where did she put it? Did she put it in a jar or something?' (Leo..why do you have a deathwish?)(Ironhide is not one of your homies you can torment.)

*'We gotta get some medicine for the computer machine! (I said that after Ratchet said something really complicated.)

xx

Rule #75: No one is allowed to take my clothes and hang them from the power wires.

(Sunny and Sides decided to get me back for the prank I pulled on them last week.)

(Yeah, they suck at physics...)

(But the height really helps..-.-')

xx

Rule #76: Never question the random bursts of randomness that spews from mine or Sam's mouth.

(It's known that the Witwicky's have odd senses of humor.)

*'It's a giant vagina! With tentacles coming out of it!' (That one was me...when asked what most of the alien villians look like in movies.)

*'My name is Phil and I like tight panties..'(God Sam...)

*'Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.'

*'It's not the fall that'll kill you...it's the sudden stop at the end.'

*'The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.' (Dad andRatchet looked at me and Sam in confusion..)(It's true!)(Oh the bruises!)

*'My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son-of-a-bitch..' (Sam...)

*'Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.' (What I imagine to be a 'Uncle Megatron' pep talk.)

*'To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.' (That ones was aimed at good ol' Ironhide..)

xx

Rule #76: Don't take random Bot's comment and make them into Ringtones.

(Miles' phone said 'Cocktail weiner!' in Ratchet's voice whenever he got a text. The phone vanished the next day. He still hasn't found it.)

(I had a sound clip of Dad saying, 'I come by my weirdness honeslty, thankyouverymuch.' (Ironhide caught him acting silly with the little ones and accused him of being drunk.)

(Inspired by Miles' tone, Simmons somehow got the Chevy Twins to say a bunch of odd crap. So his phone would blurt out, "Banana Hammock! Nightmare Fuel! Plum Smugglers!"  
Sam literally cried laughing.)  
(As did I.)

xx

Rule #77: For the love of Primus, don't talk crap about Edward Cullen around our resident Twihards.  
Some of the dumber mechs were discussing what OTHER fictional vampires would do if they met poor Ed.  
It got pretty gory when Sunstreaker and Ironhide got into it over whether Alucard (from Helsing) or Abel Nightroad (Trinity Blood) would make bigger chunks of Bella's boyfriend.  
Then Ratchet got into it, "And then Raziel waltzes in, boots the two pretty boys to kingdom come and gulps down Sparkle-boy like a cocktail weiner!"  
Mikaela started crying.  
I wa the shoulder for her sobbing self.  
Ratchet still has a Prowl-handprint on the back of his helm. O.o'

xx

Rule #78: Whenever you buy Sunny something he really, really wants...don't be alarmed when he picks you up and hugs you.

(I was amazed and alarmed.)

(Dad and Jaz looked equally amazed.)

('Jazz, Dad...look, Sunny's hugging me..')

xx

Rule #79: Don't act like you have turrets.  
(Galloway was so scared!)  
("Hey Galloway, I like your ne- BALLLLS!")  
("Oh my gosh, I'm so TIT LICKERRRRRR sorry!")

(Dad was finding it hard to scold me when he was fighting back laughter.)

xx

UPDATE!

WHOO! Enjoy everyone!

The move went excellently!

Review!


	9. Chapter 9

Here we are with yet another chapter of Guidelines part 2!

I keep finding and thinking of awesome ideas!

Thank you all so much! :D

Whelp...onward!

xx

The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots! Part 2!

By Tatyana Witwicky

xx

Rule #80: Never start quoting Invader Zim.

(Good god, I love that show!)

*'Tell me a story about giant pigs!'

*'No, I - Wait... What do eyes have to do with breathing?' (Oh Magnus...so uneducated about the human body in so many ways.)

*'What's wrong with you? All you talk about is aliens and ghosts and seeing Bigfoot in your garage!' (I swear, Leo is so paranoid.) (He made that statement even better when he replied, 'He was using the belt sander...')

*'Awww... I wanted to explode.' (Dad thinks I'm spending way to much time with Wheeljack..)

*Children, your performance was miserable. Your parents will all receive phone calls instructing them to love you less now.' (Okay, maybe my old teacher never said that, but man she was a bitter old woman.)

*All I wanted was to have some pizza, hang out with dad, and not let your weirdness mess up my day!' (Once again, me yelling at Sunny and Sides...sometimes Leo..)

*'Fire some kinda laser... thingie at 'em; RIGHT NOW!' (Oh Hot Rod...how Maple puts up with you in beyond me.)

*'Hi floor! Make me a sandwich! (Jazz keeps questioning my sense of humor..)

*'Lemony fresh victory shall be mine!' (Sparrow has the new nickname..'Gir'..)(She watches this show way to much.)

*'But I _need_ tacos! I need them or I will explode. That happens to me sometimes...' (The newbies totally fell for it!)(I got sooo many tacos!)

*'Why was there BACON IN THE SOAP?' (I just enjoy yelling that at random intervals.)(I also enjoy the sentence because it has bacon in it.)

(Once again, Dad questions Sam and I's taste in shows..)

xx

Rule #81: Sam and I are no longer allowed to play on a rope attached to a pulley.

(Don't ask what we were thinking.)

(When Sam and I get bored...no good could come out of it.)

(Nearly gave Bee and 'Cade spark attacks...again.)

(Especially when we were high enough to make eye contact with the both of them.)

(But man, it was so mch fun!)

xx

Rule #82: Never show the movie Enchanted to Moonracer.

(Oh...she is sweet but not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed.)

(She ended up singing 'The Happy working song' three times in under an hour.)

(Poor Ratchet.)

(He still blames me.)

(Hey, it wasn't me who showed her the fucking movie!)

(Mikeala!)

xx

Rule #83: Barrels are banned unless used for purposes other then amusement.

(Sam was rolling me around in one around the .)

(It was fun until he stopped me and started spinning me around.)

(And around and around and around.)

('Ohh god...I'm gonna spew!')

(When he finally stopped, I literally fell out and just laid there dramatically.)

(All bots were laughing rather hard.)

(Even Dad found my misery funny..)

(-_-')

xx

Rule #84: For the record..Perceptor is a pervy drunk mech.

(Aunt Jude can't find her best thong..ew...gross...)

(Come to think of it..I can't find my favorite bra with the bow wearing skulls on it..)

(Once again, my undergarments go missing when I'm not looking.)

(What is it with Robots and panties...?)

(Wait I'm not sure I even wanna know..)

xx

Rule #85: Also Mechs, take note that penguin impressions are also popular amoung humans.

(Dad was wondering why Sam and Miles were walking around wearing tuxedos and scuba diving flippers.)

(I simply responded with, 'It's best that you don't ask...')

xx

Rule #86: Never mention the Giant stuffed Swordfish to Sam around Autobots.

(He is still somewhat scarred from that.)

('Yeah, I remember crying when I saw that thing...')

(Before Bee and anyone else could ask why, I cut in..)

('Well, Sam...that is because I told you it was Flipper..')

(Oh childhood memories of torment..how I love thee..)

xx

Rule #87: Both sets of Twins are no longer allowed to watch Wildboyz.

(The following reasons are very obvious as to why.)

(They decided to have a 'Whipping dance competition.')

(Sounded entertaining enough...so a few people...including myself and Sam, who are big fans of Steve-O and Chris Pontinus, stuck around to watch it.)

(Started out entertaining enough, but then Jazz interfened and suggested a free shot and who ever has the biggest welt/scratch is the winner...)

(Sides went first..)

(Sunny took his sweet time to hit him.)

(When he did, Sides screamed very loudly and danced around, clutching at a spot on his back...not to bad of a dent/welt/scratch..)

(Then it was Sunny turn to get whipped.)

(Holy shit, that was a hell of a hit!)

(He won...ish...)

xx

Rule #88: No teaching any Bot the 'Black Mamba' prank.

(That one is pinned on me.)

(Jazz and Sunny were wondering why I was wearing a black sock with googly eyes glued on it, on my hand.)

(And sneaking up on the sleeping Simmons..)

(I started making my arm slither as I slowly approached my latest victim..)

(Then...SLAP!)

(Let me just say, the look on Simmons's face was so hilarious!)

xx

Rule #89: Never question the games Sam, Miles, and myself played as children.

(They are sort of...different.)

(Especially the Monkey King.)

(I was always king for some odd reason.)

('You cannot have my throne, because your big red monkey butts are too big!')

(Dad thought it was cute.)

(In a odd sort of way.)

xx

Rule #90: Never say the eye of Sauron from Lord of the Rings looks like a giant fiery vagina.

(Apparently, vagina jokes are quite popular.)

(Sunny made it even better with random hand motions.)

(Goddamn, my sides hurt...)

xxx

Holy crap! How long has it been?

Sorry for the long wait!

Review!


	10. Rule 25

Here is another oneshot!

I love writing these things!

So damn fun and hilarious!

Enjoy!

Onward!

xx

Rule #25: Don't play the 'Dizzy' game.

xx

Optimus sighed as he watched his daughter, who was laying on the human sized couch with an ice pack on her rapidly bruising forehead. He had sat by her side when she was rushed to human medical center to get five stitches sewn into her forehead, which was horrifying to say the least.

'All in the name of random fun and shit..' She mumbled, glancing over at Sam, who was now her foot rest. 'That was most likely the sixth dumbest thing I've ever done.' She whimpered when she touched her black and blue forehead.

'It was your idea, moron.' Sam muttered, rubbing his temples, still feeling nauseous.

'Well, maybe next time you two will be more careful.' Optimus scolded them lightly, knowing his daughter was in pain and that was punishment enough for the young Prime.

What they were thinking when they played that game was beyond him.

xx

_Flashback, 15 minutes earlier._

xx

'Come on, Sam!' Tatyana's voice caught Optimus's attention.

'Alright, coming!' Sam voice exclaimed, sounding somewhat annoyed. 'What're we doing this time?'

'Remember that game we always used to play when we were in third grade?' Tai asked, her optic and eye twinkling in excitement.

'Which game?' Sam asked, thinking really hard. 'There were so many.'

Tai then held up two baseball bats, her grin getting even bigger if possible. It clicked it Sam's head right away.

'Oh hell yes!' He exclaimed. The Prime looked up from his datapad at the exclaimation, apparently it caught the attention of a few more Bot's and a few soldiers, including Major William Lennox and Robert Epps.

'Tai and Sam incredibly excited about something?' Lennox commented.

'That can either be really good or really bad.' Epps muttered. Tai then skipped over to the two men and started rocking back and forth, with a very hyper grin on her face.

'Hey..Hey, Lennox!' She giggled, holding out the two bats. 'Will you be the referee for this? Will you? Will you? Will you? Will you?'

Lennox blinked at the girl's hyperness. He glanced up at Optimus, who was pinching the bridge of his noseplate. 'Sure, sure, sure, sure!' He mimicked her little movements as he talked.

'Ohh my shenanigan senses are tingling!' Sunstreaker exclaimed, who was walking by with Sideswipe.

'Well Bots, what you all are about to see is two teenagers who are gonna make themselves incredibly sick.' Epps muttered, following the two teens and his long time friend into the Recreational room.

Tai and Sam were at one end while Lennox was on the other side with a megaphone. 'Alright, you two know the rules...spin around the bats eight times, and whoever can make it over to this line over here without falling is the winner!' He put the megaphone down when a thought suddenly crossed his mind. 'And for God's sakes, please don't puke on the tarmac.' He then pointed at the Autobots, which included Optimus, Prowl (who looked unamused as usual), both sets of the twins, Jazz, Barricade, and Bumblebee. 'Or any of them...or on any of us!' He gestured to himself and his crew.

'Ready, set...SPIN!' Both of the teens then bent over and started spinning around and around and around, which looked absolutely hilarious. Sunny and Sides couldn't breathe they were laughing so hard. Optimus couldn't help but chuckle to himself at his daughter's antics.

'Eight! Now run! Run Forest Run!' Lennox quickly moved out of the way. Sam and Tai both threw the bats down and began to run...ish. They were swerving around dangerously as they tried running in a straight line.

'This can't end well.' Barricade mumbled to Bumblebee, who whirred in agreement.

And of course, Barricade premonition was correct. At that moment, the door to the shooting range opened and Ironhide strolled through, transforming his cannon's away.

'Whoa, Tai! Swerve! Stop!' Jazz yelled out. Too late.

CLANG!

With a loud noise and yell of pain, Tai bashed right into Ironhide's shin, sending her falling backwards onto the floor. The weapons specialist jumped slightly when he felt the hard hit on his legs and looked down.

'Tatyana!' Optimus exclaimed in alarm, rushing over to his fallen daughter.

Sam ,meanwhile, had crossed the finish line and had fallen on the ground. He then stated laughing. 'Bitch, I win!' He then placed his aching and spinning head into his hands. 'Ohh I feel so sick.'

'Oh my fucking Primus...' Tai moaned out. 'My head hurts so bad..'

'Holy shit..' Sunny chuckled. 'Her forehead is leaking red crap..'

Tai sat up by now, the blood running down her face. 'You made me lose!' she pointed at Ironhide, who looked horrified at her bleeding and bruising forehead.

'And...whoa, when did you become twins?'

xxx

'Yes, Prowl...' Tai muttered, her arm over her eyes, trying to block out the lights. Her head was still killing her to the max. 'I will add that to the rules, but right now, if I sit up, I will puke all over your feet.'

Sam placed the phone back to his ear. 'She got it, Prowl...yep, we are stupid, got it...bye...'

Optimus sighed. Teenagers and bodily injury.

Very bad combination.

xxx

I hope you all enjoyed this!

First oneshot of the Guidelines two!

More to come!


	11. Rule 43

This was a request from Na'vi Girl!

Seemed very appropiate because this one was so damn funny to write down!

Thank you Big Bang Theory!

Enjoy everyone!

Onward!

xx

Rule #43: Ball pits are banned.

xx

Tai couldn't believe this had happened.

After being friends, best friends even, for two years and then the unexpected happened.

Mikeala just...left.

She didn't expect that to happen, and apparently niether did Sam. Poor dude. He fell hopelessly in love with that girl, and she just stomp on his heart and pureed it in a blender.

Needless to say, he was a wreck.

At the moment, Tai was sitting on her Dad's ginourmous desk, her head resting on her hands as she tried in vain to think of a way to cheer Sam up.

'Sweetheart.' Optimus said, getting her attention. She looked over at her radtastic Dad, her head still in her hands. She was too lazy to remove them. 'Are you alright?'

She smiled at his gentle fatherlyness. He always knew what was up with her. 'Yeah...' A few seconds pause. 'No...this situation sucks and blows.'

'Is this about Mikeala?' Optimus asked with a sad sigh. He too was saddened by the sudden loss of the dark haired girl.

'How'd you guess?' She sighed. She growled slightly when she felt tears forming in her eye and optic. 'No! No! No!' She scolded herself as she blinked furiously and fanned her wet eyes, hoping to dry them off. It didn't work. The tears started to fall down her cheeks and onto her skinny jeans.

Optimus smiled in amusement. His daughter always acted like she needed to be tough but when really she was a incredibly sensitive person with too big of a spark.

'Tatyana, sweetheart, it's okay.' He said in a gentle tone, scooping her up in his large hands carefully. 'I know you miss her.' He held her to his spark carefully.

'This sucks, Dad.' She whimpered out, sniffling loudly. 'She was like my best chick friend and now she just leaves!'

Optimus stroked her small back carefully, trying to comfort his daughter. 'I know, sweetheart. But things like this happen. That's the way life is sometimes.'

Tai sniffed again and nodded, trying in vain to stop the tear flow. She composed herself a few minutes when Lennox suddenly appeared at the door.

'Hey, everything okay?' He asked in concern. He could've sworn he heard Tai crying.

Optimus carefully placed his daughter down on the floor in front of the Major. 'I'm totally fine..' She took a deep breath. 'As of right now..what's up?'

Lennox shook his head at her ability to change moods very quickly. 'Yeah, um...it's Sam..'

'What about him?;' Optimus asked in concern.

'You two better come see.'

xx

Barricade and Jazz sat in the Recreational room near the newly installed Ballpit that Wheeljack had made for Annabelle and Sparrow. But the one in it at the moment was an unshaven, not exactly the cleanest, and the puffy eyed Sam Witwicky.

'How long do you think he can keep this up?' 'Cade asked, sounding very bored.

Jaz shrugged. 'As long as it takes to get his mind off of that girl.'

'How long do you think that'll take?'

'Not a slaggin' clue.'

Tai walked behind Lennox as he led her and her father to the giant ball pit. 'Oh goody...' She deadpanned. She did smile when she saw her sparkmate and guardian.

'Hey 'Cade, hey Babe!' She smiled happily. She then caught a look at her cousin, who looked even worse then he did before.

'How long has he been in there?' She asked.

'Five hours.' 'Cade stated dully.

'What exactly is he doing?' Optimus asked in confusion as he watched the poor young man, pick up a red ball and place it next to another one.

'Attempting to sort the balls by color and size.' Jazz explained, tying not to look at Tai's butt.

''Mmmkay, thanks for not calling his 'rents.' She said a grin.

'Hey, don't worry about it, if anyone can get him out this funk, it'll be you babe.' Jazz grinned, winking his optic at her.

She grinned at the silver mech. 'Alright, guys, wish me luck.'

Taking a deep breath, she approached the edge of the ballpit and kneeled down to talk to him better.

'Hey Sammie.' She said in a friendly tone. 'What'cha doing?'

'Sorting.' He said in an incredibly excited tone. 'It was bugging me, haunting me, keeping me awake at night, needed to sort them all!'

Tai nodded, looking slightly alarmed and confused. 'Sure, sure...hey, you should really come out of that thing now and come play a vidoe game with me or something...'

Sam turned to his cousin, looking upset. 'But I'm still working.'

Tai growled slightly, looking annoyed. 'Sam, I swear, if you don't come out of there, I'm gonna have to drag you out.'

Sam straightened up, looking defiant. 'You can try...but you'll never catch me.' He then dived backwards, disappearing under the colorful plactic balls.

Tai rolled her eye and her optic in annoyance. 'Oh for Primus's jock strap!' She exclaimed, jumping into the ball pit herself, digging through them in an attempt to locate her cousin.

'Sam! Come here!' she yelled angrily. Sam popped out behind her, looking smug.

'Bazinga.' He said, diving back under. Tai turned around sharply, making grabbing movements with her arms but she missed.

Optimus, Jazz, and Barricade watched, all of them fighting back mad bits of laughter. 'Should we do something?' Optimus choked out.

'No, no...let's just watch and enjoy!' 'Cade laughed out loud as Tai was completely on her side as Sam once again got away.

'Sam! I mean it! Get iver here!' She yelled out again, her hair getting all messed up. More then usual anyway.

'Bazinga!' Sam exclaimed once again.

xx

30 minutes later.

xx

Tai had made Sam a cup of hot chocolate. It's something her human father would do for her whenever she was incredibly upset. He had spent a while crying, again. But his usual reply was this..

'Men don't cry, they weep!' It was really hard to take that quote seriously when tears are streaming down his face.

'You doing alright?' She asked, sitting next to him with her own mug.

'I'm okay now.' He mumbled, sighing shakily.

'I'm glad to hear that.' Optimus said with a smile. 'It will be okay, Sam.'

'Thank's big guy.' Sam smiled.

'We're all here for you, dude.' Tai said with a cocky grin. 'Mikeala's a bitch for leaving you...she messed up, not you.'

Sam smiled and rested his head on his cousin's shoulder.

Optimus smiled.

Look's like everything was back to normal.

Ish.

xx

Sappy, sweet, and funny!

A great combination!

Review!


	12. Chapter 12

Part 10! :D

Sorry for the delay! Pokemon is very addicting!

I LOVE my Rabidash!

Anyway!

Enjoy!

Onward!

xx

The Guidelines to living with Giant Robots! Part 2!

By Tatyana Witwicky

xx

Rule #91: Never tell Red Alert about the El Chupacabra, Bigfoot, The Mothman, or any other supernatural creature.

(Sunny somehow made a giant moth cut out and placed it on his window.)

(His scream woke about everyone on base.)

(Once again, never doubt how loud Sparrow can scream...)

(Ow..)

xx

Rule #92: Never Call Bluestreak the 'Dolly Parton' of the Autobots.

(I can't help it!)

(He has a big chest!)

(It's funny!)

xx

Rule #93: Never place numerous radios around Ratchet's Medbay, and turn them up to full volume.

(Especially when playing a really, really annoying song.)

('I am a superstar, with a big big house and a big big car!')

(It nearly drove him to fritzing when he couldn't find them.)

(What can I say?)

(Sam and I are skilled.)

xx

Rule #94: The Bot's are no longer allowed to play Monopoly.

('Do not pass go! Do not collect $200.00..')

(Sunny, shut up and let me into my Dad's office!')

xx

Rule #95: 'Is that my tummy, or a raging hell beast?'

(I don't know why I said that..)

(I guess I was starving...)

(Nothing out of the ordinary.)

xx

Rule #96: Do NOT climb up on top of stacked boxes to get something from a high surface; Ask an Autobot or Barricade for help first.

(Other wise you will fall and most likely hurt yourself pretty badly.)

(And to add insult to injury, you will end up buried alive in boxes.)

(Lennox.)

(He still is in the Medbay.)

(While everyone freaked out, I couldn't breathe, I was laughing so hard.)

xx

Rule #97: Do not quote The Pink Panther 1 or 2.

(Those movies are amazing!)

(My Dad loves them!)

*'Without warning, I will attack you. In this way, I will keep you vigilant and alert.' (Like I said, I like keeping the men in my life afraid with random outbursts of rage.)(And really stupid looking karate moves.)

*'Stop browbeating her! Can't you see she is sexy?' (Arcee thanked me for the compliment.)

*'You mean, you didn't just say: Stop the car, dear God, I beg of you, stop the car?' (Jolt has horrible, horrible hearing.)(He and Maple both...)(-_-')

*'A Woman is like an artichoke, you must work hard to get to her heart. (Aww, Jazz!)

*'Let me bring you up to speed... We know nothing. You are now up to speed.' (Good to know, Dad...)(That shut Galloway up at least.)

*'If he solves this case, I'm perfectly willing to run around for 24 hours wearing nothing but a tutu carrying a big, pink, fluffy handbag.' (Hell of a visual there, Prowl...)

*'I had to quit being a Buddhist because I feel so much hate.' (Fantasy, you weren't even a buddist in the first place..)

*'Oh... That is your name. I thought you were ordering in Italian. Once again.' (Oh...Skids...Mudflap...)

(...Good one...)

xx

Rule #98: Do not sing the 'Canada song' from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

(Leo, Sam, and I had so much fun!)

(Dad got incredibly alarmed when I sung the last part.)

(Oh man, I LOL'ed so damn hard.)

xx

Rule #99: What not to say or do when in Wheeljack's lab:

*Say "DING!" after each step. (That was Sides.)

*Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons. (Button's are quite amazing...)

*Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. (Dad sent me to my room..)(*pouts*)

*Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with everyone in the room. (Trust me, it is good to know these things.)

*'How many limbs have you gone through in the last few...decades?'

(Wheeljack takes so much crap from everyone.)

(But we all love him anyway.)

xx

Rule #100: No more Scary movie nights.

(Big mistake showing them 'The Ring')

(One and two.)

(Fantasy dressed up as Samara, borrowing my long black wig, and hid in Red Alert room.)

(As he was slipping into recharge, his computer screen turned on with nothing but static on teh screen.

(Then Fantasy popped out.)

(The whole base was awake for the rest of the night.)

(Fantasy's costume was singed...very badly.)

xx

Finally!

100 rules to part 2!  
Goddamn!

Keep'em coming!

Review!


	13. Rule 83

Yet another request from Na'vi Girl!

This one was pretty awesome when I watched it on Mythbusters!

It just looked like something two very bored teenagers would do!

Enjoy!

Onward!

xx

Rule #83: Barrels are banned when it comes to forms of amusement.

xx

Tai watched as Ratchet and Wheeljack helped a large group of soldiers move large barrels of food into the main kitchen area.

It was no secret that Tai got easily bored. Incredibly bored. She ran her robotic hand through her black hair as she continued to watch.

Jazz, who was nearby, saw what his mate was doing and went and sat next to her.'What's up, babygirl?' He asked, nudging her carefully. Last time he did that, he knocked her off of the large table she was sitting on and she ended landing on her face on the tarmac. Luckily, her newly working internal repairs fixed up all the scrapes and the broken nose before Prime saw anything.

And luckily, she wasn't too mad.

'Bored...' She mumbled, letting out a loud stream of air through her lips, blowing her black bangs straight up. 'There's nothing to do.' She then laid back on the table, her legs swinging over the edge.

Jazz gently poked her in the side, causing her to make an odd face. 'Then find something to do! Primus, I thought Sparrow got bored easily...'

Tai glared.

xx

Sam jumped slightly when his phone rang. He was ouside, lounging beside his yellow Guardian, just being lazy and worthless. His favorite pass time when he was free of classes.

'What up, slut?' He spoke into the reciever, earning an amused honk from the Camaro.

'I'm bored, you should come hang out.' Was her prompt reply.

'Really now?' He asked. 'How could you be bored? You live at a...' He glanced around to make sure no one was listening and lowered his voice. 'A Military base with the Autobot's, you have almost every game console, and thosands of games and movies...so like I said, how could you be bored?'

'I'm just bored, now get over here and entertain me!' She whined before hanging up.

Sam blinked as the dial tone echoed in his ears. 'Isn't Sparrow the one going through her terrible two's?

If life were an anime, this would be a major sweatdrop moment.

xx

'What up, homeskillet?' Sam burst into Tai's apartment, only to be greeted by a little white and gray femme.

'Unca Sammy!' Little Sparrow squealed, sporting a large orange flowered headband on her small head. Sam laughed when she rammed into his legs, nearly knocking him over.

'Hey Sparrow!' He picked up her, grunting at how heavy she was. He figured she weighed as much as a five year old. 'What's that on your head?'

'A fwower!' She giggled, blinking her big green optics. Sam found her optics very unique from the other bots. They all had blue, including Tai.

'Well, it's a very pretty flower for a very pretty femme!' Sam blew a razberry on her little plastic cheek and set her down. 'Now where's your mother?'

'Yo!' Tai popped into the room, sneaking up behind Sparrow and tickled her small side panellings. 'Hey sweets, go see what Annie's up too!'

Sparrow giggled as she scampered off to find her human friend, clutching her stuffed Chimchar as she went.

'Biggest Pokemon nerd on Earth, and it is my daughter!' Tai gave a over a dramatic cry, covering her eyes with her forearm. 'I'm the proudest mother on Earth!'

'I can see that.' Sam said with a smirk. 'Now, why did you summon me here?'

'That is an excellent question!' Tai grabbed his arm. 'Come with me!'

xx

Optimus Prime looked up as he heard Sam and his daughter, Tatyana coming into the room. She seemed to have a viselike grip on his right as she dragged him along behind her.

'Tai! What're you doing?' Sam exclaimed, slapping ather hand numerous times. 'Let go of my limb!'

'That sounded sexual!' Sunny exclaimed, giving the two teens an amused look.

'You think gravy can be sexual!' Tai glared

Optimus thought for a moment. 'Why would he think...' He then came to a conclusion and closed his mouthplates. 'Nevermind, I find I don't want to know...' He shuddered.

'What was that, Dad?' Tai asked.

'Nothing, sweetheart, nothing.' He quickly changed teh subject. 'What are you two up too?'

'Have you seen the Barrels Ratchet and Jolt had?' Tai asked curiously.

'Barrels?' The Prime asked. 'Hmmm...I remember them putting them into the storage unit, why do you ask?'

But, of course, his daughter gave a jaunty wave. 'Thanks Dad!' She then took off before Sam or Opimus could ay another word.

'I better follow before she hurts herself...' Sam proceeded to follow his overly hyper cousin. 'Or anyone else in her path.'

Optimus agreed.

'Happiness!' Tai's voice echoed.

'Gotta go!' Sam exclaimed, now breaking into a full on run.

xx

'These can be soo entertaining!' Tai exclaimed happily, rolling one through the hallway with Sam right beside her.

'Very true, but one question...' He paused. 'Are you doing because you want too or because it'll piss off Prowl?'

'Aww Sammy, you know me too well!' She pinched his cheek, causing him to make his own weird face before swatting her hand away.'And to answer your question, a little bit of both but mostly question numero two.'

Sam nodded, totally understanding her thinking. Anything to piss of Prowl was always fun and hilarious on so many levels.

'What are you doing?' A gruff voice asked from behind. The two teens turned to see the familair dark red optics of Tai's guardian and 'older brother'.

'Oh you know...I don't know...' Was Tai's answer which caused the ex-con to have his own 'sweatdrop' moment. His charge was known for causing any mech or femme she talked too to glitch out slightly. Except for her father, Jazz, and himself. You get used to her sense of humor.

'Playing with round, hollowed out objects...again?' He asked, still remembering the storm drain pipe. Which resulted in Tai nearly breaking her tail bone and Sam hitting his head. Trying to out balance one another was not very smart on their part.

'Oh 'Cade, how you know me so well!' Tai gushed out, then carefully turned the barrel on it's side. 'And since I'm not that tall, this will be so much fun!' She then pushed herself in, feet first into the wooden container.

Sam couldn't help but laugh slightly. 'What now, you just wanna lay in there?'

'Roll, my friend! Roll!'

xx

Jazz was sitting in the Recreational room with Sunstreaker and Sideswipe when he heard a loud laugh echo from the hallway. Followed by another bout of loud laughter.

Sam and his Tai-dye.

Sam then walked im, rolling a large barrel in front of him.

'Hey guys!' He called, a rather large grin on his face.

'Hey Sam..' Sunny replied, raising an optic ridge as he tilted his head to get a look at what was in the barrel.

'Hey, thought I heard Tai...she wit you?' Jazz asked curiously. Optimus, who was taking a walk with Sparrow, walked into the room, the little white and gray femme scampering about his feet, giggling when he reached down to try and get her.

'Oh yeah, but where you may ask..' Sam then pushed the barrel a little too hard which caused her upper half to tumble out, laughing and her hair all askew.

'Hey guys!' She exclaimed, still laughing.'Hey, Dad! Hey, babe!'

'Sweetheart, what you doing?' Optimus asked in amusement.

'No idea, just curing my boredom by doing random shit.' She then shimmied back into the barrel. Sam then smirked as a rather evil idea hit him. He then started rolling the barrel again but this time, he just stopped in the middle of the room and spun it around on his side, over and over and over again.

'HEY!' Tai exclaimed, covering her head with her hands so she could block out the spinning room. 'Stop spinning me like, roll me into the room!' Sam continued to spin her around and around, laughing even harder now.

'Oh god, I'm gonna spew!' Sam then stopped the spinning and Tai fell out, on her back. She looked a bit green but she was all smiles. She opened her eye and her optic, which was blinking furiously as it tried to regain it's focus. She gave her temple a smack, which set it right. She needed to see Ratchet about that.

'Ohh man, that was just evil!'

'I wouldn't call that evil...' Sam smirked, reaching down to help her up. 'Just deceptive...'

'Oh would you two shut up!' Tai snapped at the laughing twins. She then turned when she heard familair deep laughter. 'Hey, c'mon Dad, don't laugh at your daughter's misery!'

'I'm sorry, sweetheart...but it was rather funny.' He continued laughing, along with Jazz, who wasn't holding back.

'CLUNK!

'Yeow!' Jazz exclaimed, as he felt a shoe hit him the head.

'Love you!' Tai giggled, her sickness subsiding.

xx

Not the best ending but whatever!

Worked especially hard on this one!

Enjoy!

Review!


	14. Chapter 14

More guidelines for everyone's enjoyment!

I haven't updated this in a while because my brain is not cooperating with me!

But hopefully, these will be good!

Enjoy everyone!

xx

Guidelines for living with Giant Robots! Part 2!

By Tatyana Witwicky

xx

Rule #101: No making up various characters just to alarm the Autobots.

(Like Miles and his alter ego, 'Manny.')

(Sam and I have known Miles for years and are used to his...oddness...)

(It's really funny when he starts singing...)

(I laugh my ass off everytime!)

xx

Rule #102: I am longer allowed to make theme songs about the people I see.

Fantasy: 'Fantasy! Beautiful girl!' (She responded with, 'There really should be more to that!') (My response was, 'Have you heard my singing voice?')

Maple: 'Maaple! Insane lady! Her driving skills are gonna get us killed!' (She laughed then got me in a head lock.)

Prowl: 'Prowl! Prowl! He makes me write all these rules! People may think he's a tool including me, but he's still cool!' (He didn't find his amusing.)

Dad: 'There's my Dad! He's totally rad! He's really tall and has a badass flame job!' (Dad liked his.)(It made him laugh.)

(I get bored easily.)

(It also helps when you play air guitar.)

(My real guitar is damn heavy okay!)

xx

Rule #103: No more putting Leis on people.

(In NEST, you can always get lie'd'..)

(Unfortunetly, that didn't make work for the slogan...)

(Fantasy and I tried!)

xx

Rule #104: Never quote 'It's always sunny in Philadelphia.'

(Dude, I think Danny Devito is shorter then me!)

_(Maple: 'She wishes...')_

(Hey!)

*'I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.'

*'Hi. I'm a recovering crack head. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare, please.' (You think that would work...)

*'Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha!'

*'Shut up about that! I survived on hand soap and toilet water for three days. The memory haunts me.' (Damn you Sam for locking me in the trailer when we were in high school!)

*'WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! When the hell did I put Green Man on?'

*'When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast...Not in the sexual way! In the 'I am pissed off' sort of way.' (Like I've mentioned, Simmons is a vey angry man.)

*'You guys, you gotta make it sexy. Hips and nips! Otherwise I'm not eating.' (Fantasy, we need to talk..)

*'Im gonna take my bra off, blast my nips.' (I failed to noticw Dad was right behind me when I said that...)

*'If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative. The headline might be "Most Negative Man in the World Calls Other People White Trash to Make Himself Not Feel So Faggy." (Maple and Simmons do NOT get along very well.)

*'Does anybody else feel really uncomfortable?' (The answer to that is...yeah..)

xx

Rule #105: Do not get Maple and Fantasy started on Twilight.

(That can go on for hours!)

(And then they try to bring me into it...)

(Team Count all the way baby!)

(Ultimate face palm!)

xx

Rule #106: No singing songs from Whose line!

(Prowl really, really hates this show now.)

*'I;m lucky little mister, I don't need you, I'm dating your sister..' (Sideswipe has this gift of pissing off Arcee in under three seconds...)

*'You are the best I can get...' (Oh Jazz, you make me laugh rather hard...)

*'Luck be a lady tonight! Everybody!' (No one sang with Sam.) (Sad day.)

*'We're going to...fry you this morning, fry you this morning!' (It was such a morbid yet jaunty little tune.)

*'We call it Butte, not Butt, Montana..' (Bwaha..) (Butt...)

(The list can go on and on..)

(But for Prowl's sake, I will stop there...)

xx

Rule #107: Never doubt Prowl can be sneaky when he wants to be.

(Sam and I were sitting on the bot couch, talking to my Dad and Ratchet.)

(Ironically about how none of them could sneak up on us.)

(Little did we know..)

('SAMUEL! TATYANA!')

(We both screamed rather loudly when Prowl suddenly popped up behind us.)

(He looked rather smug.)

(Damn him.)

xx

Rule #108: Do not, for the love of Primus's jock strap, mix energy drinks.

(Ha Ha...yeah...)

(The whole Rec. Room looked like it'd been ransacked..)

(I was looking for my pen!)

('I shall name him Pen-uel!')

('Why is she naming writing untensils?')

(Oh Dad...you have no idea how random I can be..)

xx

Rule #109: Never say any variation of, 'So-and-so is gonna be the death of me...'

(This is mostly used whenever Mudflap and Skids are in the room as me...)

xx

Rule #110: Once again, this is awesome by the way, do NOT quote Whose line!

(There are still more out there!)

(YES!)

*'Don't mess with the neon love chicken!'  
*'If you loved me, you'd swallow it.' (I apparently walked in atthe wrong part of that conversation.) (Wonder what Sam and Miles were talking about?)  
*'Oh, sorry, one of your eyebrows fell off.'  
*'...Now, how do we put the leopard back together?' (Good question..)  
*'I spent all night making those frilly pink uniforms, and I expect you boys to wear them!' (Lennox and the other soldiers refused...)  
*'They're nipples, identical nipples...' (Sunny.)  
*'Hello, I'm Suzy the Vagina.'(Like I said, vagina jokes are popular around NEST.)  
*'From the time I was born to the time I was died, and then I was reincarnated and came back as this, bowling has been a big part of my life. Sure, it's not really a sport, but it's got great music attached to it!' (That can cause a few odd looks directed at you.)  
*'I love our banter.' (Aw, 'Cade!) (I do too.) (Not sure about everyone else though..)  
*'That was so beyond crap that it would take a spaceship 15 years to get to a planet close enough to look through a telescope at the crap it was.' (I said that all in one breath.) (  
*'I have bruised my dynamic duo!' (Leo is never going to have children..)  
*'Does this shirt make me look kind of boxy?' (Dad can be so funny sometimes..)  
*'Oh yeah it was. Would have been better if your head burst into flames. That would have been neat.' (Maple, stop tormenting Wheeljack!) (That's my job!)

(You have no idea how much I laughed when Prowl heard us!)

xx

Man, am i losing my ouch or something?

Did you guys find these funny?

Review!


	15. Rule 32

I've been wanting to do this one for a while!

So here it is!

Enjoy!

xx

Rule #32: The Ferret's song is banned from base.

xx

Tai laughed hysterically as Sam showed her a video on youtube.

'Dude, that is horrible!' She laughed as she shut off his phone internet. 'Where did you hear about that?'

Sam shrugged, his face slightly red from laughing. 'Leo sent it to me. I knew you would like it!'

'That just shows how much you know me!' She gushed, pinching his cheek. 'Hmm...maybe I should send it to 'Cade and Jazz..I know they'd laugh at it!'

'Bee might as well..' A sudden thought hit the two of them.

'We could...just show them...' Sam said slowly.

'Or better yet, perform it for them!' Tai exclaimed excitedly.

'What is with you in performing everything!' He asked, annoyed. But he figured he might as well go along with it.

xx

After convincing Bumblebee to help, which didn't take much, the two Witwicky teens stood outside of the Rec. room, going over the plan.

'So, you walk out there and act all sad and shit, then I come out and be the supportive, caring person I am, then Bee will start the music and the fun begins!'

'I don't know, Tai...Prowl's out there...'

'Which makes this even more perfect then it is already!' Tai cakled, drumming her fingers together. 'Alright, go!'

Sam took a deep breath and walked out into the middle of the room. There were quite a few people and Bots present, including Optimus, Prowl, both sets of twins, Jazz, Barricade, Bumblebee of course, and various military personel.

Sam caught Bee's attention, who gave him a thumbs up. The boy held back a choke of laughter and then started sniffling and pretending to choke back sobs.

That caught everybody's attention.

'What's wrong with him?'

'This is awkward..'

'Remember Sam, men don't cry! They weep!'

_Tai, you suck and you suck big time! _Sam thought savagely to himself as Optimus knelt down in front fo him.

'Sam? What is the matter?' He asked, sounding very concerned.

Tai then came in. 'Sammy, what's wrong? You seem kind of sad!

'I am sad.' He said in a fake sad tone.

'Ohhhh noooo!' She wailed, causing Optimus to give her a odd look.

'I know! It's terrible!'

'Terrriiibblllleee!' Tai dragged out her sentence dramatically.

'I'm sad! So sad!' Sam wialed back, giving his hand a flourish. Bee saw the signal and turned on his radio.

'Well, when I'm feeling sad, I sing about all the things in the world that make me!' Suddenly, music started playing seemingly from nowhere. Then Tai started singing.

'An apple pie, a bright blue sky! A breezy meadow in July!' She had quite a large smile on her face as she sang to her 'distraught' cousin. The little happy tune brought a small smile to Optimus's face.

'An ice cream bar! A shooting star! The sound of a steel guitar!'

Sam sighed happily with a smile. 'That is wonderful!'

'I love the osund of rain, wearing a hat and cane! Tiffany window panes, lovely to see! Frost on a window sill, the feel of a dollar bill, vacations in Brazil fill me with glee!

'Oh brother...' Barricade muttered, rolling his optics at the cheery tune.

'These are the little things that make me smile! This is all the stuff that makes life worthwhile!' She placed her hands on her taller cousin's shoulders and said with a weird smile.

'Everybody knows the Holochast was a lie! So let's sing about the things you like, and don't be shy!'

Sam's face fell into a look of mock confusion and alarm. 'Wait, what was that about the holochast?'

Tai didn't stop there. 'A strip of lace, a pretty face!' She then started swaying back and forth. 'Eugenics really makes the case! Counting sheeps and froggy leaps!'

She then reached toward Sam, wiggling her fingers. 'Touching Sam inappropiatly while he sleeps!'

'Hey!' He exclaimed incredulously.

'I love the feel of grain..' Her face then twisted into a sinister grin, which alarmed just about everyone in the room. Except Barricade, who was now laughing his aft off. 'The screams of a man in pain! Blood pouring down like rain, showering me!'

Optimus really didn't like the look on her face. It was slightly alarming.

'That ever lasting thrill during the final kill! Body dumped in a land fill, got off scot-free!'

She then walked over to Sam, looking all bright and happy and cute again. 'These are all the little things that make me smile! This is all the stuff that makes life worth while! One day, I will eat your brain and it will be great! So let's sing about the things you like and meet your fate..'

The music faded and a very awkward silence filled the room. The only noise that could be heard was Barricade's laughter.

'That was..uh..great thanks...you really cheered me up..' Sam's voice said, sounding uncomfortable.

'YOU WHORE!' Tai shouted, causing her Dad to face palm.

Jazz shook his head, laughing. 'That's my Tai-dye...'

xx

Bahahahaha!

Amazing for being dead tired!

Review!


	16. Chapter 16

More guidelines!

I hope these ones are funnier then the last!

I am introducing a charactor in this chapter, Jaacs McHenry..who is a good friend of mine!

Hope you like it!

Onward!

xx

The Guidelines to living with Giant Alien Robots! Part 2!

By Tatyana Witwicky

xx

Rule #111: Whenever Sparrow asks the following questions, leave the room or change the subjects very quickly.

*'What does yaoi mean?' (You should've seen my face..)('T..That depends on which one you mean...')

*'Where did Annie come from?' (Awkward..)  
*'What is Hentai?' (Of course when I don't tell her anything, she goes to Jazz..)('I don't know, little girl, let's go look it up...')(Fantasy and I nearly had heart attacks.)('NOOOO!")(And proceeded to destroy the monitor.)

*'Why is Sunny such a fragger?' (Okay, that really made me laugh.)

(I have no clue where she get's those questions..)

(Uhh, yeah..)

xx

Rule #112: The Obama ass-kicking song is banned.

(Youtube is amazing!)

(Everyone has been putting together a list of 'Ass kicking experts.')

('Mr. T, Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, Bruce Willis..')

xx

Rule #113: If you find yourself standing on the corner of Cyber Street and Aft Ave., move very quickly.

('Oh my god, I'm standing on his crouch!')

(Metro Plex...why would pick that as your Alt Mode!)

(Yeah, no one will notice a random city that just appeared out of nowhere.)

xx

Rule #114: 'Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!'

(That game is getting harder to explain...)

(But it is getting popular!)

(Sunny and Sides can do it all damn day!)

xx

Rule #115: Ratchet has banned all carbonated beverages from NEST.

(Everyone blames me for this one.)

(Hey! Wasn't my fault I was choking on Sprite!)

('Sprite! I refuse to let you kill me!')

(Yeah, apparently, that was not a good thing to say.)

xx

Rule #116: No more singing songs from Sweeney Todd.

(They are making the Autobots, espiecially Ratchet and Red Alert, very nervous.)

(I swear after watching it, I crave pie...)

('Who wants pie?')

(Both bots fainted.)

(They didn't want pie.)

xx

Rule #117: Never give Jaacs crap, unless you have a suicide wish.

(Mudflap and Skids never quite learn, do they?)

(That girl has a hell of an arm!)

(Ow...)

(_'Sorry, Tai..'_)

xx

Rule #118: The game, 'Helping Hands' is banned.

(It was going great.)

(I was the hands while Fantasy and Sam acted like a newly wed couple, having breakfast together.)

(Fantasy was smiling and giggling the whole time.)

(It went downhill when I accidently poured scorching hot coffee all over my human hand.)

(After the game, I was trying not to laugh as I looked up at 'Cade and Dad.)

('It really is quite hot..')

('Cade nearly fell over laughing.)

xx

Rule #119: The racing game Forza Motorsport 3 is a game to be played with no Bot's in the room.

(Maple and I just so happened to racing two Lambo's which were ,by no fault of our own, red and yellow.)

(Little did we know the actual two Lambo's had walked in to watch.)

(I decided to be a bitch and crash my car into Maple's.)

(Completely totalling both cars.)

(Sunny and Sides faces were priceless.)

(Maple and I nearly died laughing.)

xx

Rule #120: Once again, quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000 are discouraged.

(But like I said, we haven't been really following any of the rules so what the hell?)

*'What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?' (That's just really fun to say randomly.)

*'They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'Mix' button!'  
*'Um... hakuna matata?' (Don't say that when Ironhide is giving you the 'look'.)  
*'Oh I love going to Bar. I usually order sandwich and have drink.' (For some reason, whenever I say that, Dad just loses it.)(I've never seen him laugh so hard.)

*'Dude, she's retracting her neck like a turtle.'

*'Sam, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual.' (Oh Leo..)

*'Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.' (Jazz is so damn funny!)  
*'Every male of _any_ species has the biological urge to panty-raid.' (You have no idea how true that statement is! Skids, stop stealing my panties!)  
*'Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin.' (I just giving Sam and Leo crap for their musical talent.)(Or lack there of..)  
*'It's good to know that the future has CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC!' (Barricade really hates Organ music.)  
*'Oh, great! You just shot down Air Force One, you dope!' (Stratopshere...*head desk*)*'Hey, you can throw things through Dad! I'm gonna get an anvil!' ('Please don't throw things through Dad!') (Love you, dad!)  
*'It's like they have two servings of tension yet they're trying to stretch it out for seven people.'  
*'So, she threatened him with sex?' (Oh Fantasy, I really don't need to imagine Chromia and Ironhide's alone time...)  
*'I've been diagnosed coo-coo.'  
*'Boy, Rod's a strong blip on my gaydar.' (Sorry Maple, I had too.)  
*'Haha, I'm bleeding internally!' ('Cade and I laughed for quite some time.)

(I think they might be getting used to our sense of humor...)

(Might be being the key words.)

xx

Sory for the long delay!

Here is a Christmas gift for all of you! Enjoy!

Review!


	17. Chapter 17

I have once again crawled out of my hiding place and got some rules for ya!

After so many, my brain ran out for a bit but luckily, these sounded funny to me!

So enjoy everyone!

Onward!

xx

The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots! Part 2!

By Tatyana Witwicky

xx

Rule #121: Don't change the language on the computers to 'Pirate.'

(And yes, that includes Autobot processors.)

(It's hilarious on facebook.)

(But goddamn, its even more hilarious watching various Autobot's try and read it..)

(Prowl had a hard time reading it..)

("Plank stain...?")

(Giggity..)

(x3)

XX

Rule # 122: Never attempt to make a noose with licorice.

(I was only wondering if it was gonna work...)

(Dad flipped a gasket...literally...when he saw me.)

("TATYANA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?")

(Yeah...that didn't end well...)

(*le sigh*)

xx

Rule # 123: Quotes from Barnyard, be it the movie or the show, are strictly prohibited.

(But goddamn, they are hilarious to say!)

*"I got a pulse...Wheeeee!"

*"I am medicated for a chemical imbalance, so don't you sit there and call me crazy." (Oh Arcee, you never fail to make me laugh like a idiot..)

*"She seems nice...or, wait, not nice. What's the word? It's on the tip of my tongue..oh yeah!Dangerously insane!" (Diana glared at Sunny for what seemed like half an hour..) (They so want each other!)

*"Helloooooo day! Don't chew on my shoes!" (Me...Ha!)

*"Oh that's the opposite of good..." (Wheeljack..) ("Holy crap..run!)

*"OHH I can't feel my feet!" (Will, after the box incident...) (I got the guaze!)

*"Sweet bleeding dirt!" (Dad.) (I lost it completely when he yelled that!)

*"Que the anamontronic chainsaw weilding scarecrow!" ( I actually built one and it ended up going somewhat haywire..)(Luckily, Old Ironhide took it out with one shot..)(Dad not happy with me...)

*"Ahh zip it and eat your popcorn!" (Sam...)

*"I'll form a conga line!" (Yeah, Breakaway, I'm all for that but I doubt that'll stop the decepticons from attacking the base...)(ALthough the thought of them doing the conga is enough to make anyone pass out with laughter!)

*"I blame the liberal media!"

*"Okay, okay...can I just say one thing? FIRE IN THE HOLE!" (Simmons really liked shooting off Ironhide's gun.) (Luckily, no one was in the hanger he destroyed...) (o.O)

*"I could lose myself in your mustache." (Moonracer to Fassbinder.) ( I nearly died!) (And I think he is still unconsious!)(Well, some cybertronian femmes like mustaches...)(Who would've thunk it?)

*"I have since thought of a plan!" (Sideswipe.)

*"I am much too excited to hear you!" (Ironhide about to fire off his favorite weapon.)

*"Why I am tied to a tree? I must've been naughty..." (Magnus was literally tied to a tree...)(As to how he got there...my guess is Sunny and Sides..) (Or he really was naughty..)

xx

Rule #124: No immitating Pokemon to confuse the Bots's.

(Sam, Miles, and I are quite large pokemon geeks..)

(I pride myself at doing one hell of a Bellsprout..)

(Dad has now started calling me, "Bella')

(Fantastic...)

xx

Rule #125: The following items from 'Think Geek' have to be looked over:

* Unicorn meat

* Prank powder Decepti-candy. (Very obvious one here...) (Not to mention the name is just damn funny!)

* Zombie blood energy drink.

* Caffienated maple flavored bacon lollipops.

* Caffienated body wash. ('Why is it caffienated...?')("Dad, it's best we don't ask...")

xx

Rule #126: Never call the Decepticons, 'Decepti-candy.'

(Maple.)

("Now's he's a sweet piece of Decepti-candy...")

(I nearly died!)

(XD)

(Dad even laughed.)

xx

Rule #127: Never walk into a room full of people and/or Mechs, scream incredibly loudly, then calmly leave.

(The look Dad gave me was so damn funny...)

(I was laughing quite hard..)

(Then ran before I got wisked away to the med bay...)

xx

Rule #128: Never attach a fart machine to Ratchet's aft.

(That was the best thing ever!)

(Lennox and Dad were in the room when it went off the first time...)

("Wasn't me..." Lennox)

(Did I mention Ratchet is terrifying when he's pissed?)

(Sunny, Sides, and I ran..)

xx

Rule #129: When you are holding a fake human skull, never say the following or make it say the following:

*"I'm gonna cover this in candle wax and give it back to that hippie..." (Sam.)(Bee was slightly alarmed when he saw the skull.)

*"Can I borrow some flesh?" (As I was making it talk, it's jaw fell off..)(Red Alert nearly passed out.)

*"Trick or treat for calcium." (I left in front of someone's quarters, thinking it was Arcee's.) (It wasn't..) (Ironhide can really scream...) (Dad was finding it hard to scold me when he was nearly wheezing with laughter.)

*"Put that skull back! You don't know where's it been!"

(As to why, I happen to own a fake human skull...)

(Well, you know me...)

(Dad...O_e)

xx

Rule #130: Never say to Red Alert, "Ahhh snow...dandruff from the sky.."

(He kept us all in under lock and key...)

(Then I was pelted by snowballs from various people...)

(And bots...)

(Dammit, Cade!)

xx

Rule #131: "You're ripe with boyish attitude!"

("Why thank you, Tatyana.") (Dad.)

(Dad, you rock!)

xx

Man, writers block is killing me!

Help me people!


	18. Chapter 18

Here are another few rules for everyone!

Let's hope these are still good!  
Good god, the paranoia is driving me mad!

Anyway, enjoy everyone!

I own nothing!

Onward!

xx

The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots.

Part 2

xx

Rule #132: Absolutely NO smoking.

(Ratchet's reaction aside, if any of the Bot's see you smoking, they will without a moment's hesitation, douse you with water.)

(One of the newest soldiers did not seem to get that memo.)

(Poor guy...)

("Smoking is very bad for you, mmkay?")

xx

Rule #133: Quotes from Shin-chan are incredibly banned.

(But goddamn dude, that anime is hilarious!)

(Dad finds it disturbing considering the characters are kids...)

*"It's like college without the date rape." (Sharsky...really? Really?) (Great, now Bumblebee is more paranoid.)

*"These are made specially for children, so they really, really sting." (Sunny...I could kill you...)(Poor Sparrow...)

*"I just pushed a button and it went click...it is click-toris?" (Mudflap.) (Sam and I did a total face palm, while fighting back laughter.) (Then ran from Wheeljack's lab in a panic.)

*"Son of a red delicious bitch!" (Sideswipe has a new nickname.)

*"It's a smorgasboard of mindless violence!" (Barricade, explaining life at the Decepticon base.)

*"Ass dance!" (Yeah...)

(Alot of them haven't made it into the list quite yet...)

(*cackles*)

xx

Rule #134: Never let Mudflap, Skids, Sunstreaker, or Sideswipe order anything off the internet.

(NEST found itself up to it to it's ass in Snuggies, shamwows, and magic bullets.)

(Maple and I enjoy saying randomly, "Sham...WOOOOW!")

("A blanket with sleeves?" Dad was quite confused.)

(I love my new snuggie!)

xx

Rule #135: The game Portal is a game that shouldn't be played around any bots and/or Teletran 1.

(The computer lady totally reminds me of Tele..)

(It's sort of frightening..)

(Really wish he'd stop calling me a stupid little Prime spudling pest...)

xx

Rule #136: Quotes from said game are discouraged as well.

(That computer is a bitch!)

(Damn you teasing me with cake!)

(For some reason, Wheeljack and Ratchet have an obsession with the game...)

*"Spectacular. You seem to understand how a portal affects forward momentum, or to be more precise, how it does not. Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In layman's terms, speedy thing goes in, speedy things goes out." (That was an epic "That's what she said." moment.) (It was until Ratchet threw a wrench in my direction.)

*"The Enrichment Center promises to always provide a safe testing environment. In dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Center promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, the floor here will kill you. Try to avoid it." (Yeah, not a good thing to say to new recruits.) (One of them still in therepy.)

*"Unbelievable. You, [insert name of various person or bot here], must be the pride of [place of resident be it city, state, or planet]!" (This is mostly used for mocking people behind there back.) (Dad wasn't amused when he became of a victim of that statement.)

*"The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Companion Cube cannot speak. In the event that the Companion Cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice." (Please for the love of Primus, don't listen to that cube!) (Wheeljack was very bored that day...-_-')

*"You're kidding me. Did you just stuff that Aperture Science Thing-We-Don't-Know-What-It-Does into an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator?" (Mudflap looked like he was going to go into stasis lock.) (After Skids dragged his unconsious brother away, Dad gave Wheeljack a look of concern and before he could ask anything, Wheeljack quickly reassured him that he actually knows what it does...) (Sort of.)

*"Two plus two is f-f-f-f... ten...in base four; I'm fine!" (Heat stroke is a very bad thing for people and Bot's apparently.)

*"That thing you burned up isn't important to me. It's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It made shoes for orphans. Nice job breaking it, hero."

*"Do you think I'm trying to trick you with reverse psychology? I mean, seriously, now. (Ratchet, you're acting is terrible and stop messing with my mind or I'm telling my Dad!)

*"Let's be honest. Neither one of us knows what that thing does. Just put it in the corner and I'll deal with it later." (Wheeljack's newest motto.)

*"The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak."

*"Where are we going? Are you coming back? What's that noise? Is that a gun? Do you smell something burning? Ooooohh... what's in heeeere?" (Wheelie...get away from that! Bad robot!)

*"Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture Science Self Esteem Fund for Girls? It's true!" (No donating anyone's organs without their consent.) (People tend to get huffy.)

*"Remember, the Aperture Science Bring Your Daughter to Work Day is the perfect time to have her tested." (Dad and Will simply gave Wheeljack a glare.)

(Heehee that game is epic!)

(The cake is a lie.)

xx

Rule #137: Never graffiti 'The cake is a lie.' all over the bases walls.

(Dad wondered where this cake was.)

(As did everyone else.)

(Those who got the joke simply laughed.)

xx

Rule #138: Once again, watch what you say around my lovely daughter.

(Sparrow is quite a card.)

*(After Leo asked her where the remote was.)"I dunno. In your bagina." (Total face palm moment, Leo looked a little shocked.)

*"(Whilst she was climbing all over me, I made the mistake of saying, "Sparrow, get your head out of my crotch!") "Mommy! That's not your garage! That's your bagina!" (I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard.)

*(After seeing a soldier with a rather large nose.) "Daddy! Is that Big Bird?" (Jazz looked somewhat mortified.)

*"Mommy, don't pee yourself! You a big girl!" (That was when we were playing Monster and I said in a shocked tone, " Oh no, you scared me so bad I nearly peed my pants!")(Oh that child of mine!)

*"Don't cry, be a big bot!" (Scolding Sunny after he got a scratch...)

*"You a frog now! BE A FROG!" (For some reason, she turned very assertive at the frog statement...)(Dad was a frog for about an hour.)(Ribbet!)

xx

Rule #139: No head licking.

(Still not quite sure what Sam was thinking.)

(HE and Lennox were just standing there, when all of a sudden, Sam grabbed Lennox by the face and started licking his hair.)

(Everyone present, Human and Autobot, were a little...surprised.)

(Lennox's girly little 'Ewwww...gross.." hand motions nearly had me collasping in laughter.)

xx

Rule #140: Annabelle and Sparrow are no longer to watch Mojo or Frankie by themselves.

(I walked in and saw Sparrow being a little rough with Mojo's mechnical leash.)

(The jerking motions it was causing his head to do were starting to concern me.)

("Sparrow? What are you doing?")

("I'm trying to get him to Heal automatically..")

(I was shocked.)

("Sparrow, it doesn't work, I've already tried it.")

(What Aunt Jude won't know won't hurt her, right?)

xx

Rule #141: Once again, I really need to watch what I say on front of newly arrived Autobots.

(They are starting to question my mental health on so many levels.)

*"Apparently, I fell asleep on a nuclear reacter, and my brain melted."

*"Oh swiddely, diddely DON'T!"

*"Then a lion jumped out and shot him, at least that's what Graham said." (Once again, dead Decepticon in base.)(Graham's face was epic!)

*"I hear some funky rap music, so I better see some Bot's getting down with there bad selves.." ("Babe...you are so white..") (Oh Jazz...)

*"WHO NEEDS TO BE A BIG TINKER! HE'S A TINKER! HE..tinker..not TINKER!" (Sam and I arguing over...I don't remember what it was about but somehow Tinker got in there.)

*"I'm gonna fat kiss you! Tongue and all!" (Red Bull and an empty stomach is a bad combination!) (Breakaway and Jazz kepty tormenting me with that for days...)

xx

Rule #142: Wheeljack is now never allowed to watch or play Portal 1 or 2...ever.

(He ended up making the actual portal gun from the game.)

(Sam, Leo, and myself had way too much fun going through walls, the ceiling, the floor...you name it.)

(But I ended up tripping and falling through the blue portal and of course, I had no clue where Sam shot the orange one.)

("It's a surprise..")

(I ended up flying right out of the floor of my Dad's office and right into his hands.)

(That was hard to explain...)

("Tatyana, how did you do that?")

("Uhhh...I fell...?")

xx

Hopefully these are good!

Sorry for the long delay!

Review!


	19. Chapter 19

The rules are coming back to me!

In celebration of the one year anniversary of Guidelines for living with Giant robots!

Thanks for sticking around to read!

Onward!

xx

The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots!

Part 2

xx

Rule #143: Ratchet isn't allowed to give experimental drugs.

(Fassbinder has always been shy around the Bot's so the good Doc bot offered to help him out.)

(The drug worked well but then Binder got a wee bit too comfortable.)

(Meaning he started stripping...)

(To say everyone was a little surprised would be an understatement.)

(The Mechs saw more of him then they wanted to see.)

(As did I.)

(And everyone else.)

(Lennox, Sam, Leo, Sharsky, Miles: "MY EYES!")

xx

Rule #144: Always remember that the following list of games below are a good way to pass the time if you are bored or if you don't wish to get on Prowl's bad side:

* Cup. (All you do is balance a paper cup on your hand and toss it to one another.)(Sounds boring but when you are waiting for your directionally challenged Guardian, it actually passes the time.)(Double points if you manage to not drop it while running from said very pissed off Guardian who overheard you calling him directionally challenged.)("Directionally challenged, am I? I'll directionally challenge you into the ground! You better run, bitch!")(Heh, Barricade is so angry.)

*Tig. (This is actually quite hilarious seeing as it came about when Sam and I were incredibly bored and started jabbing at each other going "Tig."..."Tig."..just for no apparent reason.)(Then before we knew it, alot of people and Bot's starting joining..)("No, Dad, you can't tig on a tog, you can't tag on a tig...")(Amazing how many rules could be made up on the top of ones head.)(Dad got very confused...but he still laughed.)

*Head or Chicken. (That one is popular amongst the males and mechs.)(If you have no clue what that is, just use your imagination...)

*Hackey sack. (Dad is alarmingly good at that.) (Maybe that's where I got my skills from.)

xx

Rule #145: "I am the clown with the tearaway face!"

("Tatyana, shut up.")

(Sorry Dad!)

(Lawl!)

xx

Rule #146: Quotes from Portal 2 are being frowned upon as well.

(Have I mentioned that game is epic?)

*"I've been *really* busy being dead. You know, after you *murdered* me!" ("Bonecrusher...let it go...")(Dad cracked me up.)(Bonecrusher should have his own sit com...he has become the NEST Mascot.)

*"Okay, listen, we should get our stories straight, alright? If anyone asks - and no one's gonna ask, don't worry - but if anyone asks, tell them as far as you know, the last time you checked, everyone looked pretty much alive. Alright? Not dead." (Got it, Wheeljack.) (So far the smoke is clearing from the building...)(Then the gas masks can come off.)

*"If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples. You are simply experiencing a rare reaction in which the Material Emancipation Grill may have emancipated the ear tubes inside your head." ("Again?")

*"Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds." (I nearly died when that was uttered.) ("Are you calling me fat?)(Arcee.)

*"Alright, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give me lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!" (Ratchet really went off that day...so much for a reassuring pep talk.) ("I tried.") (Oh Dad...your pep talks work for me!)

*"Look at you, soaring through the air like an eagle... piloting a blimp." ("Shut up, Breakaway!") (Flysuits for the win, by the way!)

*"The square root of rope is string."

*"I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo. Bedroom." (Bedroom...? o.O) (Dino, you are such a liar!)

*"Aaah! Bird! Bird! Bird! Bird!" (Birds have this undying grudge against Red Alert.)(I couldn't breathe due to the fact I was on the ground laughing my ass off.)

*"If I were you, I'd take a deep breath. And hold it." (Noted.)

*"The testing area's just up ahead. The quicker you get through, the quicker you'll get your sixty bucks." (The things Leo will do for extra money.)

xx

Rule #147: No teaching the bots into giving anyone Monkey hugs.

(I tend to do that alot.)

(Bumblebee nearly knocked Barricade unconsious.)

("MONKEY HUG!")

("What the frag?")

(*Crash*)

xx

Rule #148: I shouldn't make fun of Brains.

(Can't help it...)

(His name calls for it.)

("Braaaiiiinnnssss...")

("Optimus, she's doing it again!")

(Tattle tail!)

xx

Rule #149: No learning a language for the sole purpose of arguing.

(Diana and I took it upon ourselves to learn Italian just for that occasion.)

(Don't ask.)

(It's usually dangerous when two Techno Organics are bored out of their minds.)

(Acting like the three musketeers was damn fun though.)

(Even though there were only two of us...)

xx

Rule #150: Maple has a tendency to hyperventalate.

(Don't panic, she's been doing that since we were kids.)

(No need to worry, it'll pass if you give her a smoothie..)

(-_-")

xx

Rule #151: No making fun of my coin tossing skills.

(Not my fault I have a tendency to send it flying 20 feet behind me, ahead of me, or to the side of me instead of simply tossing it five inches up in the air.)

(Yeah, I got skills like that!)

(I accidently hit Dad in the face with a quarter.)

(Sorry, Dad!)

xx

Rule #152: The Black eye game is banned from base.

(That is when you throw yourself as hard as you can at someone's closed fist.)

(Ratchet was not pleased.)

(Especially when he saw Sunny and Sides trying it out.)

(What was even more hilarious was the amount of dents they had AFTER they went to see Ratchet.)

xx

Rule #153:Quoting Freakazoid is now being monitored by Prowler.

(That show is so badass!)

(I like running around like him!)

(Whooosshh!)

*"Just let me throw a barrel at it!" (That will solve your problem in a nut shell!)

*"Now, now, ladies, there's plenty of me for everybody - if not, I'll just have 'em draw me bigger." (Yeah, Leo, that was smooth.)

*"This was only a test. If there had been an actual emergency, we would have gone like this: AHHHHHH! HELP! HELP US! NO! GET US OUT OF HERE! HELP ME! HELP EVERYONE! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" (What exactly Jolt was thinking when he did that I have no idea but it was effective.) (In case of an emergency, throw blunt objects at Jolt for his screaming!)

*"What's Oops Insurance?" (Good question, and I have an answer.) (NEST insurance when dealing with Wheeljack.) (And Maple.) (And various others.)

*"I said, give me another one. Curse your tiny paper hat!"

*"If I wanna blitz myself into some papaya-induced hallucination that's MY business!" (I really shouldn't eat Papaya's anymore.)(Haaahahahahaha!)

*"That's just what it sounds like Mr. Fancy Man sitting in your chair!" (Take that, Morshower!)(And thank you for having a sense of humor!)

*"I probably blew the animation budget for the WHOLE season on that one fight!"

*"There's a _door_ not ten feet away. A fine invention. You should try it." (The walls constant need of repairing is getting expensive.)

xx

SWEET!

Another set of rules!

Two more weeks until Dark of the Moon! So flipping excited!  
Hopefully I'll get a new chapter of The Fallen meets the cousins up by then!

Oh well, just a wee bit behind!

Oh and btw, Dino and Brains are new Autobot's I just found out about!

Review!


	20. Chapter 20

xx

The Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots!

Part 2

By Tatyana Witwicky

xx

Rule #154: Quotes from Johnny the Homicidal Maniac are incredibly banned.

(Which sucks because it is so damn funny!)

*"WHERE THE FUCK IS THE BACTINE!" (Aunt Jude was so pissed.) (Note to self, no hiding the bactine.) (If you don't know what that is, it's best you don't ask.) ("That woman frightens me.") (She frightens alot of people, Dad.)

*"You flaw. At least I'm under the delusion of doing something productive." (Wheeljack is getting so defensive.) (But kudos to calling the twins delusions.)

*""I've been talking to dead rabbits and feeding bloody walls. I've done horrifying things with salad tongs. It's really eaten into my social life." (Miles, I'd stop talking if I were you, Ratchet starting to get creeped out and that takes some doing.)

*"It's okay! I'm alright! I think my spine has exploded, but I'm fine." (Sam, that's my flying skateboard!)

*"You know that feeling you get? The one where you just know you're going to projectile vomit out of every orifice? I feel that right now. I want you away. Leave me to my vomit." (Roadbuster.)

*"HOW DO YOU LIKE BEING FUCKED WITH STEEL?" (Wow, Barricade.)

*"Try the stew...it's delicious." (No thanks, Que..)

*"Two nights ago, I was taking a walk at night, and this little chihuahua started following me! GODDAMMIT! IT KNEW! I ran, and finally lost it, and made it home! BUT IT KNEW! IT KNEWWWW! Did the **DOG** SEND YOU?" ("Brains, breathe.") (Wheelie)

*"So forgive me and shut up." (Hah! My new favorite catch phrase!) (Even more then my Mythbusters one!)

*"This is worse than goth poetry." (Purse shopping with Charlotte Mearing is torture!)

*"Nothing quite brings out the zest for life in a mech like the thought of their impending death. I see by the looks of you that you understand." (Ironhide, you put 'bad' in badass!)

*"Moo! Moo! Mooo! I'm voodoo cursing you!" (Sunny...sadly, mooing is not going to curse Galloway.) (Trust me, I've tried...)

*"Accept my heartwarming gift of tree scratchies!" (Sam.)("What the frag are tree scratchies?")("I haven't the foggiest idea but just accept them!")

*"You have invoked an evil older than man! Older than croutons!" (Bwahaha Jaacs...)

*"You know what's worse than hiding from what scares you? Do you? I'll tell you- it's having good things pass you by because you're too busy cringing in idiot terror, hiding someplace where all you can do is dwell on shit!" (I thought Red Alert needed a little pep talk.)

*"I am wiggling my leg! Witness my leg!" ("Witness it!") ("Tai, shut the fuck up!") (Cade is such a hard ass!)

(Ahhh, nothing better then a comic about a psychotic homicidal teen!)

xx

Rule #155: No telling them about Scary maze.

(Oh that was excellent!)

(Literally the best thing ever!)

(Victims from 1 to 10.)

1.) Dad. (Nearly blew up the computer.)  
2.)Ratchet. (Went into stasis, shockingly.)  
3.)Diana. (That girl has a set of lungs, lemme tell you!) ("That's what she said.") (Shut up, Sunny!)  
4.)Ironhide. (Once again, he screams rather...girly like.)  
5.)Red Alert.) (...you know what, I'm not gonna bother with a caption..)  
6.)Dino. (Managed to lose his dignity and various other things within three minutes of each other.) ("What did I just step in?" Barricade.)  
7.) Bumblebee. (Still having nightmares and I feel like a total bitch for doing that to him..) (-_-')  
8.) Barricade. (I nearly died when he fell off his chair!)  
9.) Lennox. (I still mimic his scream.)  
10.) Maple. (Big mistake on my part..) (Should've known she'd get me back!) (Maple you may have won this battle, buit you have yet to win the WARRRR!)

xx

Rule #156: If Ratchet is trying to confiscate your junk food, make sure to tell Jaacs asap.

(Jesus, that girl chewed him out for trying to take my gummy worms.)

(It possibly had something to do with the fact we were both sharing them.)

(Hey, he hasn't bothered me about for two weeks now...)

(That's a new record!)

xx

Rule #157: Never tell any Autobot that the best way to catch a fish is to look into the water and yell at the top of your lungs, "Here, FISHY FISHY FISHY!"

(Sunny tried it out.)

(Honestly, I didn't think it would work!)

(But hey, what do I know?)

(All I know is, it was damn funny when a fricken giant tuna flew out and knocked Jazz over!)

(Bert and Ernie FTW!)

xx

Rule #158: Never try to explain wet t-shirt contests to Mudflap or Skids.

(They still don't quite get it...)

(I was talking to my Dad when I turned around and fell right into a pile of very wet, cold t-shirts.)

("Hey, any particular reason for the pile of wet clothes in the Recreational room?")

(They then went on to explain who one by how much water their pile of t-shirts absorbed within the shortest amount of time.)

(Dad and I face palmed.)

xx

Rule #159: "I am a British citizen! I have nothing to fear!" *bang* "Except bullets..."

(I thought that was perfect for Graham and Maple!)

("Don't shoot her, it just makes her mad...")

(Sam nearly caused me to pass out with laughter when he said...)

("Those bullets better be silver or she ain't going down!")

(Dad was starting to get confused.)

xx

Rule #160: Brutal Legend quotes are beiong banned from base.

(Which is lame because it's Jack Black and he is made out of pure awesomeness!)

*"Ass kickers unite!"

*"Decapitation!" (I amazed myself when I managed to hold that note for a long period of time!) (I now do that everytime I take out a holographic Minicon...I think Ironhide is ready to throw me out by force...)

*"Everything in this general direction must die!" (See, there's a big difference as to how I command things and how my Dad does...) (He actually plans ahead, I sort of improvise..)

*"How about this? How about you take off your fucking diaper, lay down your little baby foofoo, get in the bus and go do your fucking job?" ("Note to self, never piss Diana off.")(Sam.) ("Noted.") (Me.)

*"Now I bet you wished you'd worn a bib 'cause you've got face all over your shirt!" ("Tatyana...") ("Couldn't help it, dad!")

*"Come back when you grow a pair as big as your mom's!" (Dino really burned Sam.)(Ow...my ribs...)(Dino is now Aunt Jude's favorite.)

*"Have you been staring at my sword?" (Whoa, Sideswipe.) (Barricade didn't quite know how to answer that.)

*"Oh mighty sun, burn away the creatures of the night while I enjoy coffee and bacon." (Never interupt my coffee and bacon combo in the morning!)

xx

Rule #161: Never decide to share the following facts:

*On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. (All pens have vanished and I may have an idea who took them.)

*A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

*Clinophobia is the fear of beds. (Hammocks for the win!)

*Panophobia is the fear of everything. (...Guess who that reminds me of...) (Red Alert: *glares*)

xx

Rule #162: No making T-shirts with either the Autobot or Decepticon symbol and put mustaches on them.

("Robot's in disguise!")

(I have the sudden urge to draw a mustache on Uncle's Megs for some reason.)

(But I won't...I do not want death!)

xx

Rule #163: No quoting any of the Ice Age movies!

(That is Sparrow's favorite movie!)

*"Sure. She's tons of fun, and you're no fun at all. She completes you." (Moonracer and Ratchet make a cute couple!)

*"Maybe we could rapidly evolve into water creatures." (Sides and I gave Sunny the oddest looks.)

*"You ain't savin' the species TONIGHT, or any OTHER night." (Go arcee! Go Arcee!)

*"Congratulations. You're now an idiot in *two* languages." (That doesn't take much to accomplish around here, trust me on that one!)

*"Come on, Dad. they're not that stupid." (Epic Wheelie and Braisn moment of stupidity.) "But I've been wrong before."

*"Let me tell you about the time I used a sharpened knife shell to turn a T-Rex into a T-Rachel." (MAke sure to say that around Grimlock if he is getting fiesty, trust me, he will obey your every beck and call.)

*"For the record, I blame you for this!" (Barricade, blaiming me for yet another incident...)

*"This place is totaled." (Sunny.) "And we didn't wreck it." (Sides.) "We're losing our touch, bro." (They sounded so sad...I actually felt bad for them.)

*"Now then, eyes forward, back straight... oh, and breathe in the toxic fumes and you'll probably die." (Que.)

(Oh Ice age...amazing movie!)

xx

Rule #164: No pointing out Charlotte Mearing rather large mole on her cheek.

("Mole...Mole...")

(Lennox: "Oh shut up, Tai!")

(Dad was slightly moritfied..)

xx

OMG! Finally!

Go Caitlin! Go Caitlin!

Updated! Finally!

Please review!


	21. Chapter 21

Yet another list of rules for ya'll!

Took a small break, didn't push myself to try to write anything because usually, it would turn out like shit! So hopefully, these will still be funny!

I own nothing but Tai, Psyche, Sparrow, Techno...and the plot, I guess.

Onward!

xx

Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots! Part 2!

by Tatyana Witwicky/Prime

xx

Rule 165: "Do you want to see something strange and mystical?"

(NOOOOOOO! GET OUTTA HERE WITH THAT WATCH! LAY OFF THE POOR BEAVERS, WILL YA? _SHEEEESH_! YOU'RE A CREEP! GO AWAY! WE WERE HAVING A GOOD TIME UNTIL _YOU_ SHOWED UP, JEEPERS! _UUUUUUUUGH_! GO HAVE SOME COFFEE, WITH CREAM, OR SOMETHING! BECAUSE I'LL TELL _YOU_ SOMETHING: _THIS IS A HAPPY PLACE_!")

(The whole rec room was dead silent after that.)

(Dad gave me a stern talking too.)

(*sigh*)

xx

Rule #166: "I don't want to be a man. I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead."

(Barricade.)

(I nearly died laughing when he said that to Dad and Lennox.)

(Dad's face was priceless!)

xx

Rule #167: No covering Prowl's office floor in bubble wrap.

(His dance was so damn funny!)

("What the frag!" *Pop**crash* ARG!" *Pop*Pop*Pop)

(Jazz and I are still mocking him.)

xx

Rule #168: Quotes from Zombieland are greatly discouraged around Autobots and small children.

(Especially small children.)

(Certain Autobot's actually like this movie.)

*"Time to nut up or shut up!" (My personal favorite when frightening new recruits.)(It works...teeheehee)

*"I'm not great at farewells, so, uh, that'll do, pig." (Barricade is horrible at saying a simple goodbye..) (I was so pissed off.) ("That's the worst goodbye in the world, and you stole it from a movie!")

*"You wanna feel how hard I can punch?" (Ironhide.) (Mirage ran very fast.)

*"Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?" (Dad walked in at the wrong time.) (I saw him slowly shuffle out of the room.)

*"It's amazing how fast the world can go from bad to total shit storm." (Sunny.)

*"In Mexico, you know what they call Twinkies? "Los submarinos." (Not sure if it's true...but hey..)

*"I'm gonna give you about 45% power." (Ratchet enjoys uttering that before bashing someone's head in with a wrench.) (he hits my Dad alot...alot alot alot...)

*"Hey, a little help with movin' the couch. We're makin' a fort." (Skids and Mudflap.) ("No.") (Dad.)

*"Hey, this may be a bad time, but I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl." (It took the Bot's about three seconds before they figured out what Miles meant.) (I laughed so hard I nearly passed out.)

xx

Rule #169: Car magazines and/or calendars are not Cybertronian Porn.

(I blame Miles so much for this one.)

(To this day, I can't look at a picture of a car without giggling.)

(Jazz denies it completely.)

(Babe, quit denying it...)

xx

Rule #170: I am no longer allowed to make plushies of Autobot's or Decepticons.

(Sparrow loves her 'Meggytwon' toy.)

(Dad nearly blew a fuse when he saw it.)

(But even he couldn't hide the glee on his face when he saw Techno with his 'Gwampa' plushie.)

xx

Yes. its short!

I'm running dry people!  
Any ideas, hit me up!

PLEASEEEEE!

Review!


	22. Chapter 22

Thank you all so much for your ideas!

Seriously, you guys are life savers!

Onward!

xx

Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots!

Part 2

By Tatyana Witwicky

xx

Rule #171: Don't go to Maple's iPod Touch for a quote of the day.

(Welcome to my official corner of Tai's rulebook! Yeah, she gave me a rule, so I'ma improvise.)

*'It is discouraging to try and peetrate a mind like yours. You ought to get it out and dance on it. That would take some of the rigidity out of it.' (That quote was going well, until I failed to pronounce rigidity without speaking slowly)(Prime wasn't impressed)  
*'The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.' (Not recommended around Tai and Jazz!)  
*'You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.' (TAI JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ENTHUSIASTIC DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN HIDE THE BRITISH FOOD)  
*'Silence is golden when you can't think of a good answer.' (Tai put that on one of her many t-shirts...comes in handy when she doesn't feel like answering any of Prowl's questions...)  
*'I know where we're going, I just don't know where it IS!' (Me. Fantasy. Prime. In a desert. Bad results)  
*'Life is God's joke on us. It's our mission to figure out the punchline.'  
*'Another belief of mine: that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.'  
*'Cold? If the thermometer had been an inch longer we'd all have frozen to death!' (Wheeljack and liquid nitrogen... I'm not even going to bother)  
*'I simply cannot understand the passion that some people have for making themselves thoroughly uncomfortable and then boasting about it afterwards.' (*Cough* Jackass. *Cough*)  
*'Be careful - with quotations you can damn anything.' (Probably should've put this first...)(_Haha, Maple...)_  
*'I have found you an argument, I am not obliged to find you an understanding.' (Optimus, you are quite the diplomat.) (Plus, Galloway's face was epic!)  
*'It may be five years from now, but at some point we'll be better than them.' (My pep talk to Tai!)('It actually made me feel better, not to mention the box of thin mints also may have helped...')  
*'Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut.'  
*'Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you - if you don't play, you can't win.' (Diana's response to becoming a living walking bomb)(They were scary times)  
*'The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka' (I found it) but 'That's funny...'' (SCIENCE! xD)

(Oh quotes of the day, how I love thee!)

(Also, means I can tease Maple relentlessly for not knowing how to spell 'penetrate')

("Oh shut the hell up, short ass!")

("_Girls..._) (Dad.)

xx

Rule# 172: Sparrow, Mommy's face is not a canvas.

(Especially when I'm sleeping.)

(I woke up to find my face covered in Blueberry muffin stickers.)

(Jazz praised Sparrow for her 'art'.)

(It so hard to stay mad at those two.)

(It sucked peeling them off the metal part of my face.)

(Jaacs was laughing.)

(Ow...)

xx

Rule #173: Whenever someone Comms you, never say the following:

*"Sorry, wrong number." (Ironhide was not amused with Sunny.)  
*"I'm sorry, the person/or Bot you are trying to reach is not in.  
Please leave a message after the beep." (Skids, it doesn't fool anyone if you actually say.."beep.")  
*"City Morgue!" (That was 'Cade.) (Fuck, I nearly pissed myself laughing..)  
*"'Ello, this is Calindy!" ("Tatyana, don't even try..") (Damn.)  
*"Pleasure center, what tickles you?" (Sides avoided Ironhide for three weeks.) (I couldn't look at Ironhide in the optics without giggling.) (Rather loudly.)  
*"Oh my god, the voices are back again!" (I'm haunted by the stacks of mentality tests.)

(I made Prowl glitch...again.)

(Victory jig!)

xx

Rule #174: Jackie and I are no longer allowed to do 'practice' fighting.

(It got a wee bit...out of hand.)

(In short, broken tooth and middle finger.)

(I will get you back, you little punk.)

(*laughs*)

xx

Rule #175: Soul Eater is now banned.

(Damn twins.)

(No, Mudflap, I don't transform into a Scythe.)

(Wish I did though.)

(Ratchet really enjoys the Reaper chops.)

("DON'T MAKE ME RATCHET CHOP YOU, 'HIDE!")

(Good times!)

xx

Rule #176: "Fuck you, that's how!"

(Yeah, should never, ever say that to Prowl.)

(Oh, Dad was so pissed.)

xx

Rule #177: No more messing with Jolt's electric whips.

(They keep shocking him whenever he tries to use them.)

(He found the culprits right away.)

(Wasn't hard.)

(Sunny has a shit poker face.)

xx

Thank you all for the wonderful ideas!

Keep them coming!

Review!


	23. Chapter 23

xx

Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots!

Part 2!

By Tatyana Witwicky

xx

Rule #178: No one is allowed to quote Over the Hedge starting as of right now.

(I love that movie!)

*"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. The what is what?" (Ratchet + Lambo Twins= "RATCHET CHOP!") (Fantasy and I nearly died laughing.)

*"There, there, that's where the squirrel attacked us, and he had like rabies or something, and then there was this gross, naked amphibian thing..." (Sparrow really hates squirrel's!) (As for the naked thing...I didn't ask...I really didn't want to go on the hunt for that thing.)

*"No biggy! OHHH! That is what we call a biggy!" (Maple and Hot Rod.)

*"That, my friend, is a magical combination of corn flour, dehydrated cheese solids, BHA, BHT, and good old MSG; a.k.a., the chip, nacho cheese flavor." (Hah! Good old MSG...) (Fantasy, to the shirt making room!)

*"The base location contract, which you signed, says the grass is supposed to be two inches, and according to my measuring stick, yours is two-point-five." (Galloway.)

*"I thought we'd be dead by step two, so this is going great." (Red Alert, after we managed to work through Step one of his battle strategy.)

*"The shoe's _lame." _(Oh god, Sparrow's face when she said that...Jazz and I couldn't stop laughing.) (She's so sassy!)

(Prowl finds it illogical and says quite often those species of animals would never be together in a pack.

(Jackass..)

(Dad even thought the movie was funny.)

(Take that!)

xx

Rule #179: "We'll be right outside protecting from the evil viper who looms in the shadows to do horrible unspeakable things to you while you innocently slumber...Sleep Tiiiigghhhttt..."

(Best and/or worst thing to say to Red Alert in the universe.)

(Sides, Sunny...you have earned some respect!)

xx

Rule #180: No doing the 'Chopsticks' dance.

(Way to much Animaniacs on base.)

(Miles spun around slowly, slaapping his ass while singing very loudly.."And chopsticks, and chopticks..chopsticks! Chop chop!")

(I nearly fell off Dad's shoulder, I was laughing so hard.)

xx

Rule #181: No encouraging songs from Animaniacs.

(I actually got Ratchet to sing about the human brain.)

(That was amazing!)

(He kept a stone face through out the whole thing, which made us laugh even harder.)

(Don't get me started on the giant tamborine.)

("BRAIN STEM! BRAIN STEM!")

("RATCHET CHOP!")

(Ow...)

xx

Rule #182: The following should not be said:

(Although I do it anyway!)

(So kiss my firm aft!)

(Jazz: "Giggity...")

*"I'm going to live forver or die trying!"

*"Never knock on Death's door-ring the bell and run away. Death really hates that." (Sam, myself, and my dad know this very well.)(Better then you think!)

*"If you get a low enough SAT score, you should be able to park in the handicap space." (I really need to work on my pep talks.)

*"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer." (Dad and Prowl.)

*"They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people." (Try arguing with that logic!) (It's not worth the argument.)

*"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!" (Me.) ("..I'm never playing that game with you again...")(Sam.)

*"That, my children, is called a wall. But beware the wall is solid. Yes be afraid! Be very afraid for we cannot walk through it! Believe me children, for I have attempted this many times before." (Jazz embarassing himself in front of the offspring.) (I was giggling.)

*"High School Musical 3 and Saw V were the two top movies at the box office when they opened. One depicted gruesome on screen torture. The other was about a guy with a saw." (Sam.)

*"I do not deny everything." (Maple.)

*"You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then." (Sam and I have been arguing about age difference forever.) (Bee and 'Cade thought it was damn funny.)

*"An apple a day, keeps the doctor away, if well aimed." (Ratchet: "What was that?") ("Nothing!")

*"I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive. "(Barricade stared dully after me before shrugging.) ("Good luck.") (Quite the Guardian I have.)

*"If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?" (Lennox refused to answer.)

xx

Rule #183: Various hats are now banned from base:

Along with the game Dating service video from Whose line.

(Not my fault Sam, Leo, and I went to a hat store with N.E.S.T.'s credit card.)

The following hats are listed below:

*Hot dog hats. (Leo: "I plump when you cook me.") (Facepalm)

*Traffic light hats. (That was me.) ("I hope I'm not giving you mixed signals.") (Jazz and 'cade lost it.)

*"Prairie girl bonnets. ("I will churn thy butter.") (Sam.) (Bee fell on the floor.)

*Chicken Hats. (I'll love you so good, it'll make your Chicken Run!") (When none of the Bots laughed, Leo tried to explain it was a movie, but ehn he threw his hat on the ground and ran off in a huff.) ("Lemme just point out, none of my other friends run off like a girl.") (Sam got a hard punch in the arm for that remark.) (Dad laughed quite hard at out antics.)

*Fencing masks. ("I'm ready for your perry if you're ready for my thrust.") (Lennox...Oh god, wow...)("He's a dirty Colonel...")(Cade and I laughed for about half an hour.)

(Oh the times we have!)

xx

HAH! Is it good these made me die with laughter?

Hopefully!  
!

Review!


	24. Chapter 24

This chapter is all about Red vs. Blue!

xx

Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots!

Part 2!

xx

Rule #184: Once again, Red vs. Blue quotes are discouraged.

(We end up doing it behind Prowl's back.)

(Muahaha.)

(What's even more funny, Dad is doing it.)

*"I mean if I was killed by an alien, or a mobster, or you know, like some sort of sorority blow job massacre, that I can handle." (Leo.)

*"If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm gonna fuckin' smash it!" (Maple and the curiousity cube.) (That damn cube!)

*"Please make the pink one stop talking to me." (Good going, douche...way to hurt Arcee's feelings.)

*"Rest in peace, pinky toe... YOU SHALL BE AVENGED!" (I tend to over-react...)

*"I still haven't gotten my peanuts." (Stratospeare hates when I do that.)

*"Oops! It broke itself." (Dad...yeah, sure it did...uh-huh...)

*"People learn English all the time, it aren't that hard." (Miles, that was excellent!)

*"Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow chicka bow wow! I came here to lay down some pipe. Bow chicka bow wow! Are you a model or famous actress? Bow chicka bow wow! So, I hear you have sisters. Bow chicka-who are twins-wow wow! Bow chicka chicka bow bow chicka chicka bow bow chicka chicka bow bow!" ("Sunstreaker! If you don't shut up right now, I'll bow-chicka-wow-wow you to the Pit!") (Dad is such a badass!)

*"Swish-Fuck!-Swish, awwww- Stab! God damnit! Oh come on!" (Sides.)

*"Simmons, I am having a blast going in and out of your hole!" ('Cade and I just stood there.) ("I have nothing to add.") (Me.) ("Okay.") ('Cade.)

*"Hey Dad, whatsup Jazz, Wheeljack is doing some experiments and I'm helping him, Dad! Right now we're doing one where everyone talks slow and the lights are super bright and I can smell CLOUDS and MAN is it SOO hot in here!" (Wheeljack is banned from human testing.) (Man, I was tired!)

*"Who wants to hold my ankles while I stretch out my hammies!"(Simmons.) (Me: "Not it.") (Leo: "Not it.") (Miles: "Not it.") (Sam:..."Fuck.") (HAH!)

*"But blood is pretty important, so Sam is bound to have some side effects like nausea, dizzines, sensitivity to light..(Sam falls over.)... or passing out..." (Ratchet.)(Poking Sam's unconsious body was funny.)

*"It bounces! Who designs a gun that bounces! This has got to be the worst gun ever. Of all time!" (Ironhide was pissed.)

*"Hey, is my body on straight?" (That can be anybody, just use your imagination.)

*"I've got half a mind to kill you...and the other half agrees." (Carly.)

*"Yes... And out from the darkness, there came... Someone! And that someone was me! Yes! And I said... Funerals are sad! So we should have a birthday party instead! Yes! Let there be cake! Hallelujah! Gesundheit." ("Tatyana, that makes no sense.") ("You try putting words together after a major caffiene crash!")

*"I didn't say we couldn't do that, I said you are an idiot. Those are two totally different discussions." (Riella.)

*"Actually, personal warmth is very important, lets go get that mitten, it'll be like a mini quest!" (The search continues for the missing mitten...no results so far...hey, the base is huge okay!)

(I bought the DVD sets...I had too!)

xx

Rule #185: Always keep questionable items out of reach of kids.

(Example.)

(Sparrow hands me a tampon and asked me where it goes.)

(Damn you, Maple!)

(Jazz and Sam were cackling.)

xx

Rule #186: No playing with airplane toilets.

(Leo and I found some, hooked them up to a air pressure tank, and decided to just mess around.)

(Mythbusters for the win!)

("Exposing buttcheeks!") (Me.)

(Tons of wolf whistling ensued...luckily, Jazz and Dad were out.)

(Don't ask what I was thinking but I sat on the airplane toilet with my exposed buttcheeks.)

(Helluva sensation.)

(I couldn't talk due to my excessive laughter.)

("What was the point of this exactly?")

("I have no idea but man, it was fun!")

xx

Rule #187: Two words: Dead arm.

(Bumblebee ended up bashing Barricade's arm right off.)

(He felt very bad afterwards.)

(I laughed.)

(Especially when 'Cade picked up his arm and bashed Bumblebee upside the head with it.

xx

Rule #188: I am no longher allowed to dress up as Hell Girl.

(I love the kimono so much!)

(I snuck into Prowl's quarters and stood at the foot of his berth until he woke up.)

(I turned my human eye red and my optic red, which was quite epic because I didn't know I could do that!)

("Oh pitiful shadow lost in the darkness,  
Bringing torment and pain to others.  
Oh damned soul, wallowing in your sin...  
Perhaps... it is time to die..")

(Barely made it out before being shot with a cannon...)

(Heeheehee!)

xx

Rule #189: Two words: Adventure Time!

(Best show ever!)

("What time is it?")

*"I've brought you a larger corpse shovel. Well, I'll just wait for you here then, by the mausoleum with my back turned and my defenses lowered." (Worse place for a zombie attack.)

*"I didn't know he was chocolate."

*"Yeah, there's a big sleeping lava man in our front yard, he is _so_ hot..." ("Like sexy hot or actually hot?")(Me.)("Shut the fuck up, shorty.") (Sunny.)

*"I just thought you looked cute stuffed in that lock." (How odd it was to see Wheelie stuffed into that door...Carly, I love you!)

*"All those men and their disgusting fantastic bodies." (Good save, Chromia...) (Oh, I laughed.)(Ironhide was pouty.)

*"Our crotch! Our evil crotch!" ("How is it possible for human genetilia to be evil?") (Ratchet, just go with it, dude.)

*"Would you like to hear what _MY NUTS HAVE TO SAY?"_ (Me.) ("Tai, you don't even have nuts.") (Maple.) ("Yes, I do.") (I just so happened to have a case of almonds in my pocket.) (Barricade facepalmed.) ("That's my charge...ow, my head...")

(Dad continues to question my taste in shows.)

("How is that dog doing that?")

(I simply laugh.)

xx

Rule #190: "I'm too sad to walk!"

("Get up.") (Dad.)

(Aww, Sunny, you tried.)

xx

Wow! the rules keep flowing!

Which is sweet!

Send rules folks!

Review!


	25. Chapter 25

xx

Guidelines for living with Giant Robots!

Part 2!

By Tatyana Witwicky

xx

Rule #191: "This morning I put Red Bull into my coffee maker instead of coffee and now I can see noises."

(That line is better with demented facial expressions.)

(Ratchet has been monitoring my caffiene intake.)

(Dad isn't arguing...)

("I'd rather not get Ratchet chopped.")

(Damn.)

xx

Rule #192: No showing the Count censored.

(Oh god, Sam and I just about pissed ourselves laughing.)

(As did 'Cade, Bee, and Jazz.)

("I **** the spiders on the wall...")

(I now can't get the picture out of my head of the Count raping a spider!)

xx

Rule #193: "Look! You ask me that one more time, I'm ripping your face off!"

(Oh, 'Cade...Skids and Mudflap ran like hell!)

(And another jab at dad...that was so great...his glare was funny!)

xx

Rule #194: Once again, no more Dating service video!

(God, i love that game so much!)

*Queen of England masks. (That mask scared a few of the Bot's into hiding!) ("One hopes, you don't mind, dating an old Queen!") (Oh Miles!)

*Fly masks. (That was me!) ("Date meeeee...date meeeeee!") (That frightened Jazz slightly.)

*Bunny masks. ("I'm not into protection..") (We could barely hear Sam..) ("Say that again, dude? We couldn't hear you...") (Sam is the best!) ("Oh could the Bot's not hear me...maybe it's because of this fucking mask I'm wearing!") (Oh that did it...everyone lost it...including Dad, Ironhide, even Prowl...)

*Birthday cake hats. "(Happy Birthday, now blow me out...") (Will, you are such a pervy old man!) (That's right, i called you old!)

*Turbans. ("Oh you want to see the snake come out the basket?") (Oh, Graham! That was great!)

*George W. Bush masks. (I nearly pissed myself...especially when Epps started hitting himself in the head with his shoe!) (That mask was so funny!)

xx

Rule #195: Do NOT play Nyan Cat over the intercom.

(That was awful but awesome!)

(My Dad's desk broke due to him bashing his head into it over and over.)

(Sorry, Dad! The twins made me do it!)

(Prowl looks about ready to murder us while we're sleeping!)

xx

Rule #196: Never doubt how many viral videos I have seen..

(Sooooo many!)

* Nyan cat. (Sparrow thinks Nyan cat is cute and she wants it...she even named it Rapunzel...-_-')

*The Annoying Orange. ("Hey, hey Apple...!") (I did that to Barricade until he hung me from the rafters again...)

*Epic meal time. (Just...yeah...)

*The bed intruder. (Bee and 'Cade were amazed Sam and I have what that guy says memorized...) ("He's climbing in your windows and snatching your people up...hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause he be raping everyone out here!") (Yeah, we're nerdy...I have the t-shirt...I was actually wearing it...heeheehee)

*Sittin' on the toilet. (Hearing Sunny sining that made me pass out laughing!)

And my favorite, Le Internet Medley! (Oh god, I am obsessed..OBSESSED...with that video!) (Dad even thinks it's entertaining!) (He knows almostr every refernce...I was so proud!)

xx

Rule #197: Mentioning odd facts about the human body is discouraged.

(Like the one about sperm shooting seven feet in the air, and they can go at least 23 miles an hour.)

("Go Speed Racer!") (Sam and Miles.)

(The Bot's looked somewhat horrified and somewhat impressed.)

(I fell on the floor.)

xx

Yety another set of rules!

Next, hopefuilly, a one shot!

And please check out those videos mentioned above! Do it!

Review!


	26. Barricade's rules

Something new people!

I haven't uupted in so long and I feel really bad!

So here is a new set of Guidelines made by everyone's favorite neutral hard ass bot:

:drum roll:

BARRICADE!

Enjoy everyone!

xx

Barricade's guidelines to surviving with a techno organic as a charge.

xx

Barricade sat alone in the recreatational room, for once which was nice for him. Save for Techno, who was at his feet, playing with his various toys that didn't have teeth marks or weren't broken.

"Hmmmm..how to write this without your mom coming after me while I'm sleeping?" He asked teh sparkling, not really expecting an answer. The charcoal colored sparkling looked up at the gruff Decepticon, cooing softly.

Barricade smirked slightly. "Ah well, she'd probably come after me anyway...fuck it..screw it!" He quickly corrected himself. "I said screw...remember, kid..."

Luckiy, Techno wasn't paying attention at all.

Picking up the data pad, he quickly began to jot down various rules:

Such as:

Rule #1: Always make sure Tai isn't bored:

(She always ends up making me question my sanity..)

(Many, many times.)

(Like the time, she catapulted a excercise ball right into Sam's face.)

(While everyone was freaking out...)

(I fell over, I was lauging so hard.)

xx

Rule #2: Always remember, she can be very cruel when she wants to be.

(Very, very cruel.)

xx

Rule #3: When she is giving you a car wash, don't encourage singing of any kind.

(I swear, she does it on purpose!)

(Bitch...made my receptor ring for weeks...)

xx

Rule #4: Always be prepared for random burst's from her mouth:

(A few of my favorites.)

*"'I never said they would never find us, I recall saying that it would take longer.." (That was what Tai call's an epic sweat drop moment...I felt kinda bad for that human...) (Well, not really.)

*"'I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!" (Sam...it's a fucking purse!)

*"'Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I?" (Boss bot's optic has yet to stop twitching.)

*"'My forecast? Sunny side up." (I just so happened to put my foot out right after she said that..) (*smirks*)

*"File this under:; Ouch." (That one still makes me laugh...especially the image of her saying that rigth after crashing into a tank.)

*"'Follow your dreams...except the ones when you're at school in your underwear." (Behold, ladies and gentlemen, her pep talks actually work!) (I was amazed!)

*"'Hey, The box is there for a reason. I feel safe in there." (Bee and I were wondering why we haven't seen Sam or Tai for a couple hours..)(Last place, I would've looked..)

xx

Rule #5: "Double rainbow all the way across the sky..."

(Goddammit, Tai!)

xx

Rule #6: Never make fun of her height or as she calls it, her lack of breastyness.

(Ugh.)

(I felt a sense of pride when she somehow managed to hog tie Sunny.)

(Optimus did too...you could see it in his face.)

xx

Rule #7: If she chooses to name her various under garment things...just let her.

(Milk duds and Nip up's are my favorite ones.)

(I really shouldn't think about her bra...)

(Nasty.)

xx

Rule #8: Always be there to supervise when there is a dare challenge.

(Tai can now hold her breath for five minutes and 30 seconds before she passes out cold on the floor.)

(That can't be good for her brain.)

(Sam still wins at the raisens up the nose.)

(Which I don't know if that's impressive or revolting.)

(Let's just go with both.)

xx

Rule #9: Keep Sing-a-ma-jigs away from her.

(Those things are fragging annoying as hell!)

(She made it sing My darling Clementine for twenty minutes..)

(She's still looking for it..)

(If anyone asks, it disappeared...)

xx

Rule #10: Never ask her what the battle plan is.

(She will respond with the following.)

*"Hell if I know."

*"You mean don't know?" (I thought that human was gonna pass out.)

*"Okay, I'll distract them with a sexy fan dance, you go out there and warm them up." (*rolls optics*)

*"Oh no, the rapture! Quick, get the twins out of the base before God comes!" (Okay, that made me laugh..) (Along with Jazz.) (What else was awesome she didn't specify which set of twins.)

*"What'd you call me?"

*And my favorite, "Do I look like someone who knows what the hell is happening?" (I could've said so many witty things but I was rather tired at that time.) (Le Slag.)

xx

All in all, Tai is a great friend and charge...but hopefully, thisn list of survivor tips will help.

'Til next time,

Barricade, outskie.

xx

HAH! I've been wanting to do this for a long time now!  
Damn you, writers block...I shall over-come you!

I need your help people!

INSPIRE ME!

Til all are one and a third,

Tatyana Witwicky/Prime!


	27. Chapter 27

xx

Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots!  
Part 2!

By Tatyana Witwicky/Prime

xx

Rule #198: No hacking into the main NEST hard drive.

(Sam, Miles, and I recorded ourselves singing to "Everybody" by the Backstreet Boy's and managed to get it on the hard drive as the opening screen.)

(Everybody stopped what they were doing, and just watched..)

(That was amazing...Prowl was shocked to say the least...)

(He sat there for like, an hour...)

("Quick, someone get a stick.") (Sunny.)

(I laughed, quite hard.)

xx

Rule #199: No making Autobot sized hats.

(Red Alert's giant Sombrero was quite impressive though.)

(Somehow Miles had convinced it'd protect him when the sky collaspes and crushes all of mankind like insects.)

("Miles, must you go into graphic detail of human kind being crushed to death?")

(Red huddled in the corner though and holding onto the hat like it was a life line was hilarious...)

xx

Tai paused from her typing as she tried with all her might to come up with more shenanagans. "Hm...what show have I not quoted yet?" She thought to herself. She jolted slightly as she then remembered. "Or have quoted but I always end up fidning more?"

"MADAGASCAR!" She sang loudly, racking her brain.

x

Rule #200: Madagascar quotes, from both 1 and 2 are being frowned down upon by everyones favorite tactician.

(Yeah, good luck sir.)

(Less you face the wrath of angry Sparrow and cranky Techno.)

*"Did he just say "Grand Central Station," or "My aunt's constipation"?" ("You are so lucky I'm not there, old man!") ('Cade, calm down...it's not Wheeljack's fault he's hard of hearing...)

*"Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave." (A great response to a question that you and/or Autobot can't find an answer too.)

*"What does Connecticut have to offer us?" (Red Alert.) "Lyme discease." (Ratchet.)

*"They are so cute from a reasonable distance." (Decepticon Hatchlings.) (*Shudders*)

*"Twins, do not interrupt me when I'm daydreaming. If a techno organic's in the zone, leave her alone." (Word to the wise, my friends.) (Dad chuckled slightly.)

*"Come on now, baby. My little filet. My little filet mignon with a little fat around the edges. I like that. I like a little fat on my steak. My sweet, juicy steak. You are a rare delicacy." (Simmons says some Really disturbing things while he's sleeping.) ("I really hope he's talking about steak..") (Sam, Bee, and I shuddered quite violently.)

*"Don't you shush me!" (Do NOT shush this techno!)

*"Okay, well, great. Let's make gas look good."

*"Ahhhhh! Nature! It's all over me! Get it off!" (Epic Red Alert moment of panic and run around in hysterics, in front of everyone.) (Dad looked like he was about to go into stasis lock.)

*"Shh! We're hiding. Be quiet me. Shh! Who's making that noise? Oh, it's me again..." ("Tatyana, be quiet!") (Dad.)

*"What is a simple bite on the butt among friends? Come on, give me a nibble." (Jazz to Barricade, who backed away slowly.)

*"They are always annoying us by trespassing, interrupting our parties, and ripping our limbs off." (Little pests those Con's are.)

*"Can you not see you have insulted the freak?" (Apparently, my glare is quite terrifying...along with the fact my grip is quite powerful...that newbie..tsk..tsk...)

*"Fear me! Savagery beyond comprehension!" (Sunny.)

*"In case of a loss of oxygen, please place your masks over your faces to hide your terrified expressions from the other passengers." ("He's only joking everyone!" Dad was panicky.)

*"Hurry up, before we come to our senses!" (My favorite line!)

xx

Tai cackled to herself, looking up when she heard her door open. "Riella!" She exclaimed. "My friend!" She spun around in her office chair numerous times, her arms out stretched slightly. Riella laughed before brining the younger techno organic to a halt, which in turn caused her to fall off of her chair with a yelp.

Riella looked the lap-top screen with interest. "Are you updating your guideliness?" She asked.

Tai sat up, nodding, her shaggy hair falling into her eyes. "Yeah, ol' Prowler's been getting on me like ugly on a an ape." Riella glared slightly. "I didn't say he was ugly.." She said hurriedly. "Sorry it's been so long..."

Riella glanced at the younger techno organic with a grin. "Don't worry about it..."

Tai smiled, before scooping up her lap top, grabbing her skateboard, and jetted out into the hallway, in search of her father to look over her newest set of rules, all the way singing.."I like o move it, move it.."

xx

HAH! New format! Thanks Riella! :D

Enjoy~! Hopefully you all like it!


	28. Optimus' rules

xx

Optimus Prime's guide to having a techno organic for a daughter.

xx

Optimus sighed to himself as he once again looked over his daughters incredibly long report that she had comically titled, 'Guidelines for living with Giant Alien Robots.' Upon reading it, he couldn't help but hold in laughter as he relived all the moments of his daughter's mischievious nature.

He grinned slightly, Barricade did his own set of rules to contribute to his daughter's hard work, so why couldn't he?

Settling down in his large chair, he started jotting various rules and ideas, racking his processor for past and future experiences.

This was actually quite enjoyable.

xx

Rule #1: Never use my daughter, or any human for that matter, for experimentation of any kind.

(Wheeljack's excuse was, "Well, if I would've asked, you would've said no...")

(Really?)

(Tatyana's pupil nearly covered her entire eye, it was dilated.)

(Plus, I could barely understand what she was saying.)

(I did, however, manage to catch this.)

(Truth be told, it was rather funny.)

("Hey Dad, whatsup Jazz, Wheeljack is doing some experiments and I'm helping him, Dad! Right now we're doing one where everyone talks slow and the lights are super bright and I can smell CLOUDS and MAN is it SOO hot in here!")

(She was found in about ten nanokliks, recharging standing up, snoring rather loudly.)

(Sam went over to her, prodded her in the shoulder, and she fell straight down.)

xx

Rule #2: After she has one of her many 'Caffiene crashes', please do not be alarmed by the things that she may say.

(She sometimes thinks out loud.)

*"Yes... And out from the darkness, there came... Someone! And that someone was me! Yes! And I said... Funerals are sad! So we should have a birthday party instead! Yes! Let there be cake! Hallelujah! Gesundheit!" (Just for the record, I thought that one was cheerful.)

*"Rest in peace, pinky toe... YOU SHALL BE AVENGED!" (My daughter...quite the over reactor...wonder where she gets it from?)

*"OMG YOU WOULD NEVER BELIEVE WHAT JUST-kitten!" (Why Sarah Lennox decided to bring those kittens was beyond anybodies understanding.) (They were quite adorable though.) (I sincerly hope whatever she had to say wasn't important.)

*"'ZAPPY FIGHT!"

*"'SHEILA! COME BACK TO ME! I MADE YOU A MUFFIN!" (I still have no clue who this 'Sheila' is and why Tatyana feels the need to give her a muffin.)

*"HE's coming! Quick, look Polish everyone!" (I am very tempted to say it whenever Megatron shows up on the radar.)

*"'That guy impressed me. And I'm not that easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!" (Jolt and Topspin jumped rather high.) (My daughter is very vocal.)

*"Heehee, he makes noise when I kick him!" (Sam had passed out due to another 'test'.)

xx

Rule #3: Never doubt Tatyana and Sam's knowledge or passion when it comes to certain franchises.

Examples:

Star Wars. (Those two could go on for hours and hours.)

Lord of the Rings. (Never say anything negative about that particular trilogy.)

Marvel and/ DC comics. (They both get incredibly upset if anyone gets them confused. Example, Batman should have been in The Avengers..my daughters exact words were: "You sick little monkey! Batman is DC...if Spiderman didn't get the memo, what makes you think they'd go into another universe to recruit another guy who is named after an animal people hate!"

I would like to point out, she is a rather huge Batman fan but she did have a point. I do not care for Bats nor do I for spiders.

The famous who shot first debate, yet another Star Wars argument.

The list goes on and on. It is best to not start any sort of argument.

xx

Rule #4: "Spider pig, spider pig, does whatever a Spider pig does, can he swing from a web, no he can't...he's a pig, Look ouuuttttt, he is the Spider pig."

(I was amazed how fast that song spread around the base.)

(Humans are quite amusing creatures.)

xx

Rule #5: Always expect the unexpected.

Especially if the following movies and/or television have been watched.

1.) Jackass. (The guantlet nearly caused every Autobot present, specifically me, to have a spark attack. Tatyana ended up with a broken wrist, cracked ribs, and a black eye. Sam recieved a split lip and a minor concussion, while Leonardo simply stood by and laughed.

2.) Up. (Recieving that phone call from Tatyana and Samuel, both of them in complete panic was horrifying.) (Wheeljack was given a strict talking too.) (How many balloons did he possibly use to get the Witwicky house to float?) (Come to think of it, that was actually quite impressive.

3.) Wild Boyz. (It's bad enough that the two humans Chris Pontius and Steve-O do stunts with other idiotic people, but with wild animals that could potentially hurt them.) (I was very strict with this...no wild life on base.)

xx

Rule #6: This rule is specifically for Tatyana. Please, no more playing around with holographic projectors of any kind.

(She managed to make a perfect holographic image of Shockwave.)

(Nearly caused a huge panic.)

(I imediatley knew it wasn't him when I heard the song, 'Teru teru' start playing.)

(Also, when Shockwave started dancing.)

(Quite amusing come to think of it.)

(It took about four human hours for Red Alert to come out of the weapons closet.)

(No pun intended.)

xx

Rule #7: No taking pictures of Autobots or Humans and place them in various spots around the base.

(Tatyana managed to get one of me, looking particulary deep in thought.)

(She claimed I was 'pouty', but I would like to say more 'melancholy')

(The caption did, however, make me smile.)

("You eated my cookie?")

xx

Optimus paused for a minute, racking his processor for ideas. Tai, who was walking by, stopped in her tracks and grinned.

"Dad...three words!" She called, making him jump slightly. "Turkeys in Bikinis!" She then gave a thumbs up and continued on her way.

Optimus stared after her with a raised optic ridge, feeling very confused.

Oh his daughter, he loved her very much, but...what?

xx

Sorry, it's so short!

But it was funny! Right!

RIGHT!

Anyway, reviews are HR Love'n'stuff!


	29. Chapter 29

I'm back! Hopefully...-_-'

Seriously, why won't writers block let me hgo!?

By the way, I am OBSESSED with Transformers Prime! OBSESSED!  
Knock Out makes me laugh soo damn much!

Anyway!

Alot of my new rules will have Prime bot's in them! Because why not!?

Onward!

xx

Guidelines to Living with Giant Alien Robots!

Part 2!

By Tatyana Witwicky!

xx

Tai leaned back in her chair, balancing a pencil on her upper lip, the number '201' staring at her, as though taunting her.

"Think stupid, think..." She grumbled. She growled out loudly as she became more frustrated. "THINK!" She yelped as she fell backwards off her chair, landing flat on her back.

"Babygirl?" The voice of her sparkmate caused her to open her eyes. She found herself staring right into the bright blue visor of Jazz, who looked concerned.

"Hey babe!" She exclaimed excitedly, sitting up quickly.

"Maybe you should take a break...all that falling off various things probably isn' good for ya." He grinned as she stood up, her dark hair all messy and askew

Tai laughed loudly. "Least I didn't fall from the table again...ya know, because some certain someone didn't catch me?" She glared at him good naturedly.

"That was once!" He defended himself as the couple walked down the hallway.

"Yeah, and my nose was broken...remember how pissed off Dad got?" She asked with a smirk as they continued walking towards the hanger.

Unbeknowst to them, a certain tall brunette british girl was walking by, no doubt wanting to hang out with her techno organic friend.

"Tai?" She called, walking right into the apartment. No answer. She rose an eyebrow in confusion. "Tai-dye? Short stack? Shorty short short?" Still no answer.

"Could've sworn she was just here...huh..." She then saw Tai's laptop, covered in various stickers, all out in the open and switched on. Maple's eyes widened in excitement as she caught a glimpse of what was on the screen.

The guidelines.  
They were right there.  
FINALLY!

She had been wanting to do this forever!

Sitting down in the zebra printed chair, she cracked her knuckles and wiggled her fingers in anticipation.

"Prepare to be Maplelized!" She cackled, starting to type.

xx

Rule# 201: Tai and I are no longer allowed to come up with theme songs for certain Decepticons.

('I'm sexy and I know it' has Knock Out written all over it.)(I can't get the image of him wriggling to that song out of my head.) (Dammit Tai!)

(It didn't help that Leo made an animated short of Knock Out doing that dance...)

(Now everytime I see him, I start singing and dancing.)

xx

Maple broke out laughing as the memory came back to her. The look on Optimus' face when that video played was so damn funny! It was seared in her memory!

xx

Rule #202: No making 'memes' with various photos of any of the Autobots.

(Wheeljack, however, really enjoyed his.)

(Tai got a great photo of him with an experiment he was currently working on and put the following.)

("I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over how fucking awesome science is.")

(He made a very large copy of it and placed it on his lab wall.)

(The one that didn't have scorch marks and/or holes in it.)

xx

Rule 203: Never attempt the cinnamon challenge.

(Sam and Tai.)

(It seriously looked like they were breathing fire.)

(Ratchet and Prime looked ready to have spark attacks.)

(They both didn't stop coughing for about ten minutes!)

xx

Maple shook her head. Those two and their need to make themselves thoroughly uncomfortable.

A thought suddenly hit her.

xx

To go with rule 203, Never and I mean NEVER, do the California challenge.

(For those of you normal folks, that is when you have the person breathe in over and over agan, while pressing on their heart. If you do it right, said person will have a seizure and pass out..)

(Don't ask.)

(We all thought Miles was dead.)

(Luckily, Ratchet is very good at waking people up..)

(Bluestreak passed out.)

(Pfft, boys...)

xx

Rule #204: Tai is no longer allowed to stick her hand down anyones shirts to warm herself up.

(Specifically females.)

(Did it to me, Fantasy, Mikeala, Riella...basically nearly every female on base.)

(When Sam and Jazz caught her stcking her hand down Carly's shirt, her line nearly caused everyone to pass out laughing.)

("Let's face it, this isn't the first time you've caught me down your girlfriend's shirt.")

xx

Maple shuddered lightly when she remembered the coldness of her friends human hand. You think with all that energon running through her, she'd be warmer. Go figure.

xx

Rule #205: Keep salad tongs away from Tai and Sam.

(Before you get the wrong idea, it's nothing nasty.)

(They tend to do crab impressions and other such un-salad-tong type things.)

(Their Dr. Ziburg were so damn funny!)

(Especialy when Barricade does the 'whoop, whoop, whoop' noise and the crab hands.)

xx

Rule #206: Morph suits are banned starting immediatly.

(Sam and Leo really pulled an awesome prank that nearly caused the Lambo twins to go into stasis.)

(The Lambo twins!)

(They both had crash test dummy suits and were laying on the floor, before they got up and followed the twins whenever they took a step.)

(By the time the twins noticed, the boys were in their quarters.)

(Then they started dancing.)

(Sunny has the quite the girlish squeal.)

xx

Maple closed the lap top, feeling quite satisfied. Now to take them to Prowl!

xx

YAY! For you, Maple, my best friend! :D

Review!


	30. Chapter 30

Time for yet another set o rules!

As suggested by dragonrobotgirl, it's...*drum roll*

Sam's turn!

Dun dun duuuuunnnn!

I own nothing but Tai, Sparrow, Techno, Psyche...yeah...

xx

Sam's guidelines for having a techno organic for a cousin. (And also for living with Autobots.)

xx

Sam watched as his cousin played Mario Kart with Barricade, who was losing quite badly. Go figure he'd go for Bowser, who was no match for Tai's Mii.

"Damn you!" The ex-con cursed as Tai zoomed right by him again.

"That's what you get for using the rapist turtle!" Tai retorted back, grinning manically.

Sam chortled slightly, trying to focus on his homework, which was close to impossible in this enviroment. An idea sudenly hit him...

He grinned slightly.

What Bee wouldn't know wouldn't hurt him.

Clicking his pen, he threw aside the page of notebook paper aside and started writing.

xx

Rule #1: Two words. Gangnam Style.

(Only Tai can get seasoned veteran soldiers and Autobot's to do the dance.)

(Bee, Jazz, the Lambo twins, and Smokescreen doing it was so damn funny.)

(It did, however, cause a small earthquake...)

(Ironhide and Optimus' faces...freakin' priceless..)

(Smokescreen didn't quite get it at first but he got it after a few minutes...he was having way to much fun.)

("Heeeeyyy sexy laaaddiieess...!")

xx

Rule #2: Never quote Eddie Izzard.

(You got to have an appriciation of british humor...)

(Which my cousin and I have, thank you very much!)

*We throw sticks at dogs, that's the level we have dogs at. You'd never dream of throwing one for a cat. We throw sticks for dogs, and dogs go, "Oh, he's dropped his stick! I better go and get that. Saw you dropped your stick there, thought I'd bring it back. And you – hang on! Did you see me just bring that back? And then you … you dropped it again? This is very weird. I don't know what's going on here. Now, hang on to it this time, I don't want to piss about all the time. You think I enjoy this? There you … don't fucking throw it!" That's why the third time, when they come back, they won't give it to you. They go"No … I won't let you take it!"

(Smoke's rant was hilarious...he hasn't played fetch with Psyche or Mojo in quite a while.)

*"And in the back, behind there, not giving a damn … and all the bright colours and stuff just drops off when you get to this section. White wrap-up, big red letters; LARD! Eat this shit and die! LARD! Kills you stone dead! Does blood move through your arteries? Block it up with LARD! Nutritional advice? No! Proteins? What the hell are they? Carbohydrates? Never heard of them, Guv! Fat? You bet your bum! We've got some some of that, yes sirree Bob! Oh, we're full of that, mate.."

(Epic Ratchet being completely floored by Tai and her yelling of LARD...)

Sam paused as he started laughing to himself. 'Eat this shit and die' had become a popular catch phrase around NEST...especially when either of the young adults tried cooking.

*"If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid." (Miles...why?!) (Tai almost passed out from laughter.)

*"Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death – lunch – death, death, death – afternoon tea – death, death, death – quick shower …' (Megatron's schedule...we all hope...)

*"We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? Fuck off!"

xx

Rule #3: Slenderman.

(Very, very, very bad..so very bad.)

(An epic prank on Red Alert that resulted in him going into stasis lock for two months.)

(My bad.)

(Optimus was very...irritated.)

(The morph suit rule was published that day and was strictly reinforced.)

xx

Rule #4: Whenever you see Miko and Tai conversing...intervene!

(No one cares how!)

(Please! Do it!)

xx

Rule #5: "The feeling of rust against my salad fingers is almost orgasmic..."

(Damn you Tai!)

(I hate Saladfingers!)

(Smokescreen does a ridiculously good impression...fucking horrifying!)

xx

Rule #6: Quotes from Futurama are being monitored.

(They aren't exactly banned...)

(But they should be used in moderation.)

(Optimus and Riella rock because they refuse to ban them entirely.)

(Thank God! That show is awesome!)

*"Bite my shiny metal ass." (Barricade saying that to Galloway was fantastic!)

*"That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian! And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife." (Old T.V. references are epic! Pow, right in the kisser!)

*"You know, Tai, out of all the friends I've ever had... you're the first." (That was one of the nicest things I've ever heard 'Cade say to Tai...)

*"Uh, what? Oh, yeah, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood..." (Tai really should learn to think before she speaks..)

*"We're boned." (Barricade.)

*"All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty." (Leo.) (Haven't seen him in a while...huh...)

*"Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love!" (Wheeljack.) (The toaster wouldn't leave Wheelie alone for about two weeks.)

*"If you're cold, rub your bodies with permafrost. It's nature's long johns. If rubbin' frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey I don't wanna be right."

*"Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 'cause I don't want ass prints on my new door!" (Apparently, liasons do not like hearing that...)

xx

Rule #7: Tai and I are no longer allowed to play or use any of Wheeljack's inventions.

(Couple examples.)

1.) The phase suits. (It was going great until Tai phased through Optimus' desk and broke her wrist.) (Again.)

2.) The portal guns. (Miles disappeared for about three days.) (He came back with a hell of a tan and a shit ton of souvieners from Thailand..) (So that where the other portal went when I shot it off in the distance.)

3.) The anti-gravity room. (Doing the moon walk on the ceiling was epic!) (Unfortunatly, Tai and I couldn't stop puking.) ("Don't worry, the anti gravity sickness should wear off momentarily.") (It took a freaking hour!) (Ratchet had us in the medbay, attached to I.V.'s.) (Yeah, great way to spend a Saturday.)

xx

Rule #8: Do not take pictures of Prowl and give them captions from the Grumpy cat meme.

(That seriously was the funniest thing though!)

(Bluestreak and Miles got a great shot of him frowning, made a billboard sized photo of it, and hung it up in the rec. room.)

("I had fun once, it was awful.")

(Perfect caption!)

(Even Optimus, Riella, and Ratchet were holding back laughter.)

(Riella's line was great.)

("Prowl, I'm laughing at you..I'm laughing towards you.")

(He wasn't convinced.) (At all.)

xx

Sam smirked as he finished up. "Perfect." He said.

"What?" Tai asked, jumping over the back and sitting next to him. She read what he wrote down and her grin got even bigger.

"YES!" She exclaimed. "I remember the anti-gravity room!" She paused, which caused Barricade to grimace slightly. Oh no...

"Ten minutes with portal guns?" She asked her cousin.

"Race you there!" The two teens stumbled up from the couch, nearly falling over the coffee table and bolted down the hallway, nearly colliding with Bumblebee, who beeped in alarm.

Barricade stood up and groaned. "I'll get the buckets.." He grumbled.

xx

Hahahaha! Hopefully these are good!  
Good news, my Dad finally watched the 3rd movie! He liked it! He didn't like Sentinel very much...Bahaha!

Review is love!


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